Alone in the Dark
by mentalillusions
Summary: When the midnight kiss never happened, Thomas and Jimmy are left to form a romance naturally. Things seem perfect. Too perfect. And after a while, Jimmy can't help but feel that there's something the matter with Thomas and their relationship. He's certain Thomas is hiding something from him, the problem is, he has no idea what it could be.
1. Cigarettes and conversation

Thomas shot Jimmy a gaze from across the servants hall, which was willingly caught with a smile flashed in return. For the past few months, exchanging knowing looks had been a sort of game for them. And if they balanced it out with a few rude remarks, on the odd occasion, it worked successfully at keeping everyone else out of the know.

Things were going good.

Who knew having a secret relationship could be such fun?

* * *

Exhausted, Thomas slumped himself on a bench outside the courtyard, and with his back to the door, trying to block out the sounds of the kitchen inside. With time to spare, he shoved his hands into the inside pockets of his suit, relishing in the minor warmth brought by the starchy fabric, fishing out his cigarette case.

_Christ its cold!_

With shaking hands and frozen fingers, he attempted to light up, only to find the lighter wouldn't ignite.

'Bugger' Thomas muttered under his breath, scowling at the offending object in his hands. He was just about to give up and put both back inside his jacket, when a warm pair of arms reached around the back of his body, embracing him slightly, as they lit the cigarette perched between his fingers.

He took a long drag, feeling the warmth of the tobacco fill his lungs, and watched as it trailed out his mouth, dispersing into the sky. Satisfied, Thomas sighed with relief, happy to finally be able to have his midday smoke.

Smiling, he glanced back slightly. He could see a figure sitting behind him, so close that their spines were aligned, and the arches of their backs were touching.

He didn't even have to look to know who it was.

Finally acknowledging each other, the two men readjusted their seating positions, simultaneously shuffling, so that they were side to side.

Jimmy smirked as he reached a hand out to rub the back of Thomas' shoulders, letting it linger as he spoke.

"Hard day?" he beamed comfortingly, looking in to Thomas' tired, but loving, eyes.

"I've been up since five, hauling around boxes of Christmas decorations and god knows what else! Along with the tasks my own job, making arrangements and plans for the guests, I'm shattered! And all on my bloody own!" Thomas snapped, frowning as he thought about the rest of the days work load. He shouldn't of been short with Jimmy; but what with Carson in bed with flu, Alfred moping around doing light tasks, because of an allegedly sprained wrist carrying a heavy crate (_even though I know for a fact there was only tinsel and baubles in there as I unpacked it myself_); and with Jimmy occupied preparing the rooms for the Christmas guests, all the workload had fallen down to Thomas and he was fed up.

"Ay, cheer up! The Christmas hustle and bustle will end soon enough! And then it will be back to normal." Jimmy grinned trying to lighten the atmosphere brought down by Thomas' scowl.

"If anything, this is a chance to prove yourself to Carson that you can pick up the pieces in moments of emergency. And plan big events. All good soon-to-be-butlers need to be able to plan ahead!"

Thomas gave a half smile to Jimmy's ridiculous optimism.

On the bright side, Jimmy's company was better than O'Brien's, and it was nice to spend time with someone, with a light and energetic attitude for a change. The most energetic he'd ever seen Miss O'Brien, was when she leaned across the table to pinch his cigarette. Although it would be hard to get used to the fact that the footman wasn't always trying to find a bad situation, or make the mood low with cynical words of criticism, Thomas could quite happily learn to not double guess every comment, thinking that there was an insult inside, which he had spent the last ten years of his life doing.

Jumping to his feet, Jimmy gave Thomas one last smile and a small, yet tender, peck on the lips. Whilst stroking his jaw line, he bent forward slightly to whisper in his ear.

"Tonight?"

Clasping the hand on his face, Thomas brought it to his lips, kissing it lightly on the knuckles.

"Of course! Same time in the usual place"

And with that he was gone, leaving him with only his thoughts, and the lingering sensation of the kiss they shared on his lips.


	2. A method of romancing

It was late by the time Thomas and Jimmy met up for their evening stroll. The sky was almost completely pitch black, and the only light being cast on their shadowy figures, was coming from the last few lights remaining on in the house.

As the light bounced off of Thomas' pale skin, it highlighted all the angles of his striking bone structure, and Jimmy found himself momentarily lost in the beauty of the other man, taking him back to his first day at Downton. He remembered the confusion he felt when he first looked at Thomas' awe struck face, but then the feeling of being lost all his life, stopping the moment his slate coloured eyes looked into his own, feeling as though they were passing straight through his skin and into his soul.

Before he came to the abbey, he knew not of his sexuality, but after only a few weeks of working along side Thomas, it was no longer a mystery to him where his interests lied, for he knew they lied with Thomas.

They walked for sometime down the winding paths surrounding Downton, before Jimmy finally decided to initiate conversation. And although Thomas was the only person he knew to ever make silence feel comforting and cosy, engulfing jimmy in the knowing that just being in his company was enough to make him feel content, he still longed for the sound of Thomas' voice.

Jimmy treasured the moments when they could speak freely to one another, holding no restrictions in regards to appropriate conversation limits, or what was merely to dangerous to say with others near by. And the fact that these moments were so few, seemed to make them even more special. Because these moments were real. They were rare situations, glimpsing into their genuine personalities, because both men knew that there was no emotion they had to hold back. They were themselves. They were fearless. And they were in love. And in the dark, abandonment of a country lane, they could show all this, with no worry of being over looked.

Intertwining his hand with Thomas', he began to speak.

"Do you remember when I first declared my love for you, and we became an item?"  
Jimmy asked, smiling at Thomas, who was shuffling along beside him, in the thick winter snow.

"How could I forget? It was quite the night to remember. I've heard of all sorts of romantic approaches, but your approach, well...it was something else, I'll give you that."

Laughing, jimmy reached out an arm, grabbing Thomas' waist, drawing him towards himself, leaning his head to gently rest on his shoulder.

"I prefer to call my methods of romancing _unique_"

Letting out a scoff, Thomas objected.

"I'd hardly call running into my room in the middle of the night, startling my sleep, and then lunging upon me, to bite me on the nose, a method of romancing!"

Both men laughed at the memory, Jimmy thankful for the love they'd grown, and Thomas thankful that he never bit his nose again.

"You liked it though!" jimmy opposed.

"No, I liked the gesture you were trying to make, and the knowing that you loved me back. I did not on the other hand like been attacked by your teeth in my sleep!"

Opening his mouth to protest, he was cut off by Thomas' playful, yet questioning voice.

"And what if I had turned out to be straight, then what would you have done?"

"Oh please. You? Straight? Don't make me laugh! I knew you were queer the minute I remembered that it's not the social norm for straight friends to randomly grab one another! You can only stretch the excuse friendly familiarity so far."

Bashing his hip into Jimmy's side, causing him to be nudged out the way, he put on his best face of mock-anger face.

"Besides" Jimmy announced matter-of-factly, sweeping his arm across his body, "how could you not resist this!"

As the night drew on, they eventually started to make their way back to Downton. Their body's mere silhouettes by the end of the night, as they walked back to the courtyard door, hand in hand.

Running a palm along the back of the younger man's neck, Thomas pulled him forward lightly. As he returned the earlier kiss, he bid him goodnight, leaving Jimmy alone in the dark, as his figure retreated away and into the shadows of the corridor.


	3. Underlying problems

**A/N: So this chapter is slightly different than any of the others, and it's just a one off, because I wanted to show time passing, so that's why it's all snippety. Also I included the dates for those of you who, like me, have absolutely no time awareness...**

* * *

**4th February 1921**

After a month the snow had cleared, and the festive season had drawn to a close, removing all unwelcomed guests and objects brought by the holidays.

It was a relief to have things back to normal.

Well nearly back to normal. The tiredness and stress was still apparent in Thomas' eyes; dark circles revealing sleep deprivation, and his once bright grey eyes, seeming even more distracted and distant then they were before.

But Jimmy knew he just needed time to re-adjust, and rest his mind from the hassle of the extra Christmas work.

* * *

**10th February 1921**

Less than a week later, Mr. Bates' returned.

For a split second, Thomas' face boiled up with displeased rage, before quickly simmering down again, to regain its original facade of professional blankness. But on closer look, he appeared slightly more sullen the usual, as a hint of unsettlement seeped through his features.

"Hello Mr. Bates'" Thomas said dully, briefly glancing up to meet the eyes of the his replacement.

"I see your still here then Thomas, haven't managed to get rid of you yet then?" he quandaried, with subtle merriment lurking in his voice.

"Yes. I am still here. And its Mr. Barrow now" Thomas said coldly, staring at his gloved hand, messing with the straps.

"Not for long!" he replied, this time not bothering to keep the joy from his voice, whilst striding away with a spring in his step, before Thomas could retort.

Surprisingly, it didn't look like Thomas wanted to, looking near the edge of open sorrow, the walls surrounding his concealed emotions and identity threatening to crumble at any minute.

Yet still he sat in an emotionlessly daze, staring at his hand.

Jimmy watched the unfolding events before his eyes, perched on a seat a few spaces away, with a look of shock on his face.

_This is the guy who's meant to be holier than god?_

_No wonder Thomas hates the guy. I mean I know Thomas admitted he'd done some jerky things to him in the past, when he was feeling insecure and angry about his job, but that was years ago!_

_Christ, what a bastard_!

* * *

**28th February 1921**

"You said yourself that lord Grantham had told you he'd find you something you do around here, so what you worryin' about? There's no need to look so sad, it'll all work out eventually!" Jimmy said, reaching across the table to rub his hand along Thomas rested arm.

He pulled it away defensively.

"I am not sad!" Thomas snapped back shortly, giving Jimmy a venomous glare, whilst bending forward to whisper to him, bitterness coating his words.

"And don't touch me! Not here, not when people could see! What do you want to do, end up out on you ear with no reference."

Pulling away, jimmy straightened up.

"I was only trying to be comforting as I know your upset about Mr. Bates' taking your job"

Momentarily, Thomas looked confused, as he creased his brow questioningly.

"...Mr. Bates'?"

"Oh Mr Bates! ...Yes, yes, I am rather annoyed at that..." Thomas continued, almost looking relieved, as his face softened. And for a brief second, Jimmy thought that he was okay again, and that things were back to normal. But soon enough the happy expression had passed and he once again went back to looking concerned.

"Look, I'm sorry I shouldn't have snapped at you, its not your fault, none of this is, and you shouldn't have to receive anger from me jus' 'cause I have to much to hold in" Thomas said meekly, attempting to lift a smile, only to have it flattened out by his frown.

* * *

**4****th March 1921**

Jimmy walked out into the courtyard to find Thomas slouched against the wall.

It had been a fortnight and he still wasn't looking any better from the Christmas period. In fact he looked worse. _Mind you, the ordeal of thinking he might of lost his job to Bates', probably didn't help his sleeping pattern and worry._

Yet still, he expected him to look a little happier at the news he'd just received. He was staying on, _and_ getting a promotion. Work was a big deal to him, so it was confusing to see him in the stance of someone who didn't really care.

His eyes were glazed over, starring into the distance at nothing in particular, unaware of his entrance.

He looked emotionally defeated and exhausted, his body merely representing the shell of the man he once knew.

* * *

**20th March 1921**

It was late afternoon, and with no work to attend to, Jimmy retired to the servant's hall. Spotting Thomas on the far end of the table, he walked over to sit opposite him, giving a half smile as he pulled out the chair. Thomas briefly looked up to meet his eyes, but quickly looked down again not long after, returning his attentions back to the newspaper in his hands.

He seemed tense.

In all honesty, he had been acting rather strangely for a quite a while now, his emotional rut not seeming to pass, and although Jimmy wasn't sure of the reason, he was determined to find out what was on the older mans mind.

"You look cheerful!" he mocked sarcastically, hoping Thomas' mood would allow him to take it as light humour.

Glancing up, he gave a mild frown.

_I guess not then._

"I'm fine" Thomas relied curtly, staring at the grain of the wood, tracing the pattern with the pads of his fingers.

He obviously wasn't. But Jimmy didn't want to press the topic any further, and risk dispute. Letting the matter rest, he changed the topic.

"I was wondering, as our half days over lap tomorrow, whether we could maybe spend that day together, as a sort of quality time?"

Reaching his arms across the table to where Thomas' laid, he picked up his non-gloved hand, tracing small circles in his palm.

Thomas stiffened at his touch, drawing his hands away, and retreating it to his lap.

"I'm sorry Jimmy, but I cant, I have erhh...an errand to run that day, and will be occupied most of the morning"

Rejected, the footman brought his own hands to his side, standing up in the process. Nodding his goodbyes, he walked hastily out of the door and up the stairs.

Yes he didn't own Thomas, but it hurt to think that he had something more important to do then spending time with him.

* * *

**20th March 1921**  
**later that night**

Staring up at the ceiling, Jimmy lay wake on his bed, thinking. It was late, and as the last of his candles burnt out, they toppled over, loosing the will to live as they finally collapsed in on themselves, dripping wax all down the side of the table.

_Wish when I was loosing the will to live I could just collapse._

Jimmy glanced over to the mess created, and deciding that he didn't really care, turned his attentions away from the waxy avalanche, and back to his confused thoughts.

His mind raced through the resent behaviour of Thomas. Something wasn't right with him. He wasn't acting...normal. But then again what was normal?

Thinking back, his previous reasoning for his new attitudes didn't really make sense.

_Thomas had been acting pretty much the same way a week or two before Mr Bates' came, but not exactly the same during the Christmas period, he had just been tired, but now there seems like there's something...more._

The problem was, Jimmy had no idea as to _what_ it could be.

And the more he attempted to pry into Thomas' personal emotions, the more closed off he _became, and the more he bite back with excuses._

_I know he still loves me, and I don't want to risk dispute in our relationship, I just need to carry on like nothings changed and-_

There was a knock at the door.

Crawling out of bed, he answered it. Thomas.

* * *

**Even later that night**

Snuggling up beside Thomas, Jimmy rested his head on his chest. Listening to his heartbeat, Jimmy knew there was no doubt in his mind that Thomas loved him still. And as they expressed their affections to each other that night, things felt _normal_, like nothing had changed, and Jimmy thought perhaps it hadn't, and everything was going to be okay.

It had to be, right? Because as long as Thomas still loved him, and he loved him back, then everything would be fine, because they would have each other. Whatever Thomas had on his mind would go away eventually, and the problem didn't need any intervention from Jimmy.

_I can't risk creating a feud of bad feelings in our romance, I just need to let it rest, and let Thomas overcome this for himself._

_Still, I can't help but be curious as to what could be the matter?_

So that night, as they lied together alone in the dark of the silent room, Jimmy was certain that with love in their hearts, the issue could be avoided safely, leaving nothing to destroy their relationship.

* * *

**1st April 1921**

Feeling like a spare part, Jimmy decided to take a spin around the village, hoping to fill up the void of empty time in his day. Dawdling absent mindedly, he walked to slump himself down to a bench, situated on some grass beside the road.

Feeling sorry for himself, he let his eyes wonder across the view of the high street, envying all those who walked by with friends and partners.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a familiar face. It was Thomas. _At least he wasn't lying about the errand…_And he was clutching a small box under his arm. Jimmy was curious as to what it might be and contemplated running after him. But as soon as he saw him he was gone, his body dissolving into nothing more than thin air, whilst unanswered questions formed in his mind.


	4. Obsessed with a mystery

Creeping up to Thomas' door, Jimmy lightly knocked, and walked in. He had to question Thomas on what was in the box, and even though it was none of his business, and he promised himself he wouldn't interfere, the question had been playing on his mind all day.  
_  
Empty?_

Jimmy was certain Thomas would be inside his room. Dinner had just finished, so for both a footman and an under-butler, there wasn't much work to do until going to bed. And he wasn't in the courtyard either having previously checked.  
_  
Where the hell is he?_

Jimmy was just about to leave when curiosity got the better of him. Yes, he _could_ try and get information out of Thomas by speaking, but with him still in denial about anything being wrong, he could get far more material on the matter doing a bit of sifting through his stuff.

_I mean, it's not like I'm going to mess up the place..._

Jimmy thought, looking at the unusual wreckage of the room. It instantly struck him as strange that the place was in a state as it was always so tidy and organised.

Closing the door softly, already feeling nervous and a little guilty, he walked over to the desk. It was littered with scraps of paper; discarded letters covered with scribbles, and used, torn open envelopes.

_Why the hell does he not just use the letter opener? What could possibly be so important that he would rip open a letter?_

Despite his worry, a small smile played on his face as he remembered a particular conversation.  
_  
What a hypocrite! I remember when he said, and I quote, that 'people who tear open letters instead of using the letter knife are improper savages who deserve to go to a hell designated for those who have no conduct'. Admittedly, he was somewhat drunk on stolen wine at the time, but still._

Jimmy laughed lightly under his breath as he relived the moment, remembering the happiness in Thomas' drunken, care free smile.

_Need to get Thomas drunk more often..._

Suddenly his eye caught sight of something more readable. _A telegram!_ But the space for who it was addressed to was left blank.

_Well that's convenient._

Picking up the small rectangular piece of card, he began to read:

'_Please can you telegram me at Downton Abbey on when you are next free to see me. I have a few things I need to discuss with you in private._

Much obliged,  
Thomas barrow

P.s. Sorry if it's inconvenient, but may I request that you don't leave your message with Carson as I don't want talk.'  
  
Jimmy felt his heart freeze and his breath seize up at the words written on the page. His writing was scrawled hurriedly at a slightly slanted, appearing unprofessional, much unlike Thomas.  
_  
So it's a letter to someone who's okay with messy writing?_

Placing the letter on the chair for safe keeping, Jimmy quickly ran his hands through the piles of paper, searching for anything to help with this ever growing mystery.

Retrieving a fully written letter from under a pile of scraps, he lifted it up to read. Sadly, on first glance it didn't make much sense, and was probably from one of Thomas' valeting friends in London, directly replying to whatever Thomas had previously said. This friend could be anything or anyone, leaving the context of the person writing unpredictable and unknown. As far as Thomas' 'friends' went, this guy could be anything from servant to hitman.  
After all, he knew full well that Thomas would write with anyone who was willing to correspond, just to avoid the embarrassment of receiving no mail.

But knowing Thomas, this friend would be young, badly behaved, self-serving and most likely homosexual. Much like his younger self really.

_1st February 1921_

Thomas,

well I don't know what to suggest to that, and I'm sorry I cant be of more help. What can I say, as lower classes we can never really be of much use to a friend even if we want to be! Its rotten luck you finding yourself in this situation, but you just got to deal with the facts and try to continue on as normal.

My only word of advice would be, in answer to your previous question, make sure he doesn't find out! Well, at least not until he needs to know. And by then it's too late for him. You're making the right decision Thom, believe me.

You just gotta stick around until you can stick around no longer.

I'm sorry you've found yourself in a delicate situation, but for now though its goodbye. I salute you corporal, and will remember our army days fondly! If you've moved on by the time I write you again, may I just say it was nice knowing you. You were always good for a laugh, and if a mate can't do that, then what good is he?

Your friend,  
James Green  
  
Jimmy was speechless. _What did it all mean?_ He shuffled through the rest but couldn't find anything, so decided to finish on the desk and arrange it how it was before. With a sudden feeling of nausea, he stepped away and tried to re-gather his thoughts. Glancing down he looked at the fire place. It was full of ashes and...paper?

Stepping forward and bending down he inspected the fired remains of papered coal ash more closely. There were a few bits of paper which hadn't burnt fully, but there was nothing readable left on any of the sheets. The feeling of sickness increased as he wondered what was on the letters that was so bad they had to be destroyed.

_Why would Thomas burn his letters? _

_What is this huge secret? _

_Was that guy referring to me in the letter? _

_Am I a part of this and I don't even know it? _

_This must be why I couldn't find anything readable... He's burnt everything!_

Possible secret pyromaniac?

At the moment I think I'd rather that be the real reason he's acting weird as I fear the truth is worse...

Wait a minute? What's that…?

_Box!_

Whilst crouching down, Jimmy could see under the desk, and looking around the room, his gaze met the small cardboard box Thomas was holding the other day. Reaching, he pulled it out and held it in his hands, taking a deep breath before peeling it open to reveal...

_Nothing?_

_He's taken whatever was inside out! Where the buggery bollocks has he put it...whatever it is.  
_  
So obsessed with the mystery of the letters and the box, Jimmy didn't realise he had been in the room for quite some time. But soon enough time caught up with him, and before long he became painfully aware of how his five minute snoop around the room had turned into over an hour of rustling through Thomas' belongings.

The door swung open.


	5. Caught in the act

Startled, Jimmy fell from his crouching position, wobbling backwards to land straight on his bum, staring up at Thomas and awaiting his reaction, his palms already sweating with trepidation. The look on his face was thunderous.

_If looks could kill, I've just been brutally murdered, then revived, only to have my heart pulled out through my mouth._

Bugger.

_So, I guess that means he's angry?_

"I think we should have a little chat, don't you? It seems you need to be told why it's wrong to go into other peoples rooms. Why it's wrong to invade other's privacy. And why it's wrong to touch other's things" Thomas said coldly, almost bordering on dangerously, as he scowled at Jimmy on the floor, taking a step closer to him with each sentence.

Behind the façade Thomas was a gentle man, one not capable of harm. But for the first time, Jimmy felt genuinely scared, unsure of how to react. And more importantly, the full extent of how Thomas might react, given the unusual circumstances.

"I can explain!" jimmy said in a panicked tone, his breath speeding up, and sweat beginning to coat his forehead.

"Oh I'm sure you can" Thomas said with a quiet, but terrifying, click of the door, shutting it to leave them alone. No witnesses. No audience. No one. Just the two of them alone in his room, left to handle the situation of Jimmy's thoughtless mistake and Thomas' misplaced trust.

"Go on then!" Thomas spat out, staring manically at Jimmy's huddled figure on the floor.

"I came in to talk to you. But you weren't here-"

"so you decided to crawl around on my floor and rummage through my belongings!" Thomas interjected, gesturing towards the box now on the footman's lap.

"Well..." Jimmy began nervously.

_Shift the blame! _

"Where were you? Where have you been?"

The question caught Thomas off guard, leaving him feeble voiced as he replied:

"out." Thomas said quietly, a complete change in tone from a few seconds earlier.

"Out where?" Jimmy tested coarsely.

"I was running an errand, if you must know, Carson let me go out" Thomas said, his voice slowly building back up to the previous frustration.

"Well where is it?" Jimmy pressed further, seeing how it didn't look like the situation could get much worse.

"Where's what?"

"The errand you had to collect!"

Thomas face darkened again, deciding he'd had enough of the charade they were playing.

"Don't question me! You're the one in the wrong!" Thomas bit back furiously, yet somehow still managing to keep his voice at a suitable volume throughout all his speech.

"I just want answers! Why won't you give them to me?"

"Who says it's your God given right to know everything! I'm fed up with your behaviour! You have no right to act this way, not with all that I do for you! Can you please just stop going on at me for one minute?"

"What exactly do you do for me Thomas, hm? I'd hardly call keeping secrets and always being in a foul mood a favour!"

Letting out a deep sigh, Thomas reset his face to display his favourite appearance of professional blankness, and began to talk in a controlled, yet, stern manor, with a subtle edge of what appeared to be upset coating his words as he spoke.

"Get out…n-now!" Thomas growled with a frown, his voice trembling slightly as he spoke, almost as if it hurt too much to even talk. Pointing towards the door, he bowed his head to look absently at the floor, breaking off eye contact to show the conversation was over and he wasn't prepared to talk anymore.

And with that, Jimmy stumbled to his feet and made his way into the corridor. Slumping himself on the bed in his room, he contemplated what he would do next. He had to try and find out where Thomas had been.

_Carson must have granted him permission to have a couple of hours off, so maybe I could find out from him? Disguising my interest as a legitimate reason to need to know of course..._


	6. Improvised inquiry

The atmosphere at the table was calm and relaxed, but all he could think about was the tension he had created the previous evening between himself and Thomas. The feeling of regret for over stepping his boundaries and causing anger was festering deep within his stomach, causing him to feel sick with the panic of how to resolve the upset he had caused.

Was there even a resolution to the problem? Yes, he could try and beg for forgiveness, and he was likely to be given it _eventually_, but Jimmy couldn't help but think that would only make the situation slightly more bearable. Thomas would still be unpredictable, and oddly behaved, even if he did shape up his behaviour. Not that he shouldn't try to be nice to Thomas, because God knows rubbing Thomas up the wrong way wouldn't help anything. But in reality, he had to admit, turning a blind eye, and giving a pleasant smile wouldn't fix the issue or make it go away. All he would be doing is sweeping it under the rug, and waiting for it to creep out and rear its ugly head at a later date.

_But maybe that's for the best? Maybe he just needs some time and whatever it is will fix itself independently, with no input on my part, therefore not damaging our relationship._

_Then again, not giving input could be what destroys our relationship. _

_I've spent to long not knowing who I am to break away from contact with the one person who answered my questions and helped me to understand what it means to love._

Looking down the table he noted the empty chair of Thomas' seat. Life seemed to continue oblivious to the fact that he was missing, when normally Carson would knot his eyebrows together at the first sign of change in the household. Moments later the rest of the staff filed into their seats, and although it wasn't quite late enough to say Thomas wasn't turning up, he was almost always the first one down. He would be groggy from the early mornings, but still punctual and on time.

The breakfast began moments later. Jimmy was tempted to throw the question out into the crowd and ask a general enquiry to Thomas' absents, but decided it best he not seem overly interested, especially with Carson in the room, and him hoping to probe him for details later.

Just as he was thinking about his cover story, whatever it was going to be, (he hadn't quite decided yet), daisy walked in with a plate of toast.

"Ay, where's Mr Barrow this mornin'? He ain't usually late. Not like him to miss breakfast!" Daisy squeaked inquisitively with her usual innocent tone of mild interest.

_Well, that was useful? _

Looking up from his tea, Carson pulled a face of astonishment, like she had just admitted to converting Catholic, and having sex with the pope on the very table they were eating off.

_Oh, maybe not then. Way to go and anger Carson when I need to question him! Now it will look like I'm just mindlessly preying for a bit of gossip!_

"I don't believe that is any of your concern Daisy, nor anyone else's for that matter. I will do the questioning around here"

And with that he returned to his drink as Daisy scurried off back into the kitchen.

The meal continued to go on with neither hitch, nor question, leaving Jimmy to think of an excuse in peace.

_I need to know where Mr Barrow went because…_

_…Because I'm curious_

_…Because I'm sleeping with him I deserve to know_

_…Because we're secretly…related, and I'm just trying to look out to him._

Jimmy let out a quiet snigger under his breath as he imagined Carson's response if he where to couple the latter statement along with a confession of engaging in physical activity with Thomas.

_ 'Thomas is my long lost brother and we're sleeping together! Tell me where he went'_

_He'd probably faint._

"Jimmy?" Anna questioned from a little way up the table, a concerned frown plastering itself over her face.

"Hm?" Jimmy looked up breaking himself away from the growing bizarreness of his thoughts

"Yes Anna?"

_Oh Christ! Everyone's looking at me! Act normal!_

"You laughed; I was just wondering what was so funny…" She replied, making it clear with her tone and expression that the question was not rhetorical.

Losing himself for a moment he began to answer, the words slipping past his mouth before he realised what he was saying.

"Oh! I was just thinking about Thomas-"

_Bollocks!_

Her eyes widened with surprise. Along with everyone else's for that matter.

"Excuse me?" Anna and Mr Carson said almost simultaneously.

Jimmy felt his skin burn up and his face flush red with nerves.

"I was just thinking…about Thomas'…"

_Oh dear this is NOT sounding good so far…_

_What could I be thinking about?_

_I was just thinking about his…_

_Lovely body?_

_Nice arse?_

_His…nakedness?_

_[More innocent!]_

_Um his cheeky smile when he wakes up next to me in the morning?_

"-morning hair. I was thinking about his hair when he wakes up! It's frightfully funny…"

Their expressions stayed frozen blank, forcing Jimmy to feel the need to expand, to make his excuse sound more believable.

"-His erh…hair sticks up in the morning, and it's kind of funny…and I was just thinking about it…since…he isn't here and I was thinking about him not being here and erh yea…" Jimmy trailed of nervously, chucking in a few awkward Mosley-style laughs to fill the huge void of silence he had just created.

_Maybe their all imagining Thomas' weird hair and that's why their all sitting there like pillars of salt?_

"And how do you know what Thomas' hair looks like in the morning since you don't share a room?" Carson bellowed from the other end of the table.

_Then again, maybe not. I hadn't quite anticipated that question somehow..._

"Because…I went into his room one morning to ask for some help…mending…something." Jimmy replied meekly, hoping that was an appropriate enough answer.

Turns out it was, and the meal, yet again, went on seamlessly, with no embarrassing stories about Thomas' hair.

* * *

It was late afternoon, and Thomas was still no where to be seen. With his heart pounding in his chest, he walked apprehensively down the corridor to Mr Carson's Pantry. Knocking softly on the door, he awaited an answer.

When summoned inside, the surprise of seeing Jimmy was evident on Mr Carson's face, as he looked up at him unexpectedly, putting down the papers he was holding.

"And what can I do for you Mr Kent? Have you come to regale me of more stories related to Thomas' hair?" He asked, amusement playing in his stern voice, suppressing the urge to smirk at the earlier events of the day.

_Rude. How dare he laugh at my expense!_

"eh no Mr Carson" Jimmy replied, fighting of the blush seeping through his skin. "But it is related to Thomas, just not his hair"

Mr Carson looked somewhat bewildered at the unforeseen comment, and sat staring at Jimmy as he waited for him to speak.

"I actually came because…"

In all honesty Jimmy hadn't actually thought of a reason yet, but as his earlier attempts at improvising didn't go too badly, he thought he'd try his is luck again.

"well, the thing is I'm worried about Thomas…he agreed to help me with some um mending yesterday morning-that's when I saw his hair!- and well he didn't come to help me-"

Jimmy looked at his shoes, tracing one foot along the ground, and doing his best to play the part of concerned friend, hoping he wasn't coming off as overly melodramatic.

"-and you see, this isn't the first time he's disappeared and not helped me."

Jimmy concluded, looking up to meet Carson's eye.

_To cut along story short, he basically said bugger off it's none of your concern, and that he gave him permission to go out. Fat lot a use he was._

Just as Jimmy was moping away from the office, about to go into the servant's hall, and wash his sorrows away with a strong cup tea, for lack of anything stronger, he saw Thomas turn the corner ahead and sweep up the stairs hurriedly, clutching a piece of paper in his hands.


	7. Stripped away

Feeling drawn like a magnet, Jimmy followed him up the stairs, tracing his foot steps until he come to stop outside Thomas' door.

_Is this really a good idea?_

Ignoring the rising panic in his chest, he slowly turned the knob of the handle and pushed the door open. He walked into the room hastily, barely turning to shut the door as leant against it nervously.

The atmosphere became tense as Jimmy quickly noted Thomas' hysteria, his back turned to him, not yet showing whether he had even registered his entry. Jimmy felt his heart freeze upon hearing Thomas' strangled sobs, his back heaving with his unsteady breaths, his entire body wrenching with tears.

Tears of what though?

Jimmy wasn't sure, but he felt his sense of panic increase at the sight of Thomas behaving so out of character, so...stripped. Stripped from the mask covering his true identity, His emotions so raw, so uncovered; his façade pulled away to leave nothing but the real Thomas and he real emotions he was feeling. The real Thomas was sad. Distraught even. But not only that, sad enough for him to let his walls crumble and his emotions cave in around him, letting his dam of feelings break and come flooding through out into the open. Or at least into the open of a seemingly private room.

He wasn't going to lie, at least not to himself at this moment, that he was scared. He'd never seen the under-butler cry and now here he was before him emotionally naked. His disguise had been pulled away, discarded, and all that was left at this moment was sorrow. Everything else stripped away. There was no emotional numbness, no anger, nothing left of the man he loves and his tears of pain.

Jimmy held his breath as Thomas finally moved, still not turning round, shuffling forwards a few steps and bending down to light the fire. If the circumstances were different, Jimmy would have admired the view of Thomas on all fours, his rear pointed up in his direction, as he fumbled with the matches to ignite the fire. Before long the flames began to roar and the fire was in full motion. Thomas stood up. Jimmy felt his entire body freeze with the excessive panic of now being caught witnessing to Thomas in such a personal state, unannounced for an inappropriate amount of time. It seemed too long to suddenly reveal his presence, although, the idea of being caught was equally undesirable.

With bent knees, he moved to a crouching position and chucked the letter in his hands into the flames, watching for a moment as it slowly burnt, the paper withering and disintegrating as the heat spread across the page, destroying all facts it held, as it finally joined the ashes and other burnt remains of previously ruined letters.

Standing up, Thomas looked down at the fire before absently staring into the distance in front of him at nothing in particular. He stood in silence for a moment, with no other noise in the room apart from his unsteady breaths. He continued to cry. Walking over to the window beside the mantle, Thomas gazed through the glass, raising both arms to overlap as he placed them on the ledge, and rested his chin atop of them. He sighed deeply as he looked at the darkening sky and the setting sun.

"What am I going to do?" he asked aloud, finally managing to control his tears. Shaking his head, he took a step back, and brought his palms to cover his eyes, head bowed down towards the ground. Removing his hands, he attempted to wipe the tears with the edge of his sleeve, but ended up sobbing again.  
_  
I could pretend to open the door, but I doubt I would be fast enough to make it look like I'd just walked in, and there isn't really an appropriate moment to do so anymore..._

But before he could think any further, Thomas made his mind up for him by turning around slowly and slumping himself heavily on the bed. He sat with his head in his hands.

_Even in sorrow he's beautiful..._

Jimmy thought as he stared nervously at his tear stained face and red swollen eyes. Everything felt like it was in slow motion as Thomas slowly lifted his head to look at him, a mixture of confusion, surprise, anger and embarrassment filling his features as he looked at the sheepish footman still standing with his body pressed against the door.

"What are you doing in here?" He spluttered out at a very ashamed looking Jimmy. Jimmy looked glumly at his feet answering,

"I came to see you-and-and"

_I love you._

Even Jimmy knew that he couldn't really justify his actions, but he could see the circumstances weren't completely his fault.

_At least I didn't sneak in and have him walk into the room in this state. Anyway, how was I to know he would be crying?_

Thomas got up off the bed a treaded towards him dangerously. Jimmy tensed up with trepidation as the under-butler stood before him, so close his heavy breaths were hitting his head. Thomas suddenly shoved his hands up and grabbed jimmy by the shoulders, drawing him closer, holding him firmly as he trembled at his touch. Jimmy winced as he finally glanced up at Thomas properly, wincing at the venomous look covering his face.

"You have quite the habit of being where you shouldn't be-" Thomas growled dragging him closer and leaning his head to the side to whisper in his ear, his voice harsh and cruel, his fierce breaths hitting Jimmy's neck, giving him goosebumbs as he felt Thomas lips lightly brush against his lobe as he spoke into his ear, "-seeing what you shouldn't see"

Thomas jolted him backward, moving away to take in his fearful appearance. The corners of his mouth twitched, bending slightly into a smirk. They stood motionlessly for a second, staring at each other, neither knowing what was to come next. Staring straight into his eyes, jimmy watched as his mask cracked and the defence mechanism broke down. Thomas' face crumpled in pain, his lip quavering as he crinkled up his forehead, letting tears trickle across his face once more. He broke down as he spluttered sorrowful coughs of tears and pain. Gazing up he met jimmy's eye, holding it, with and unreadable look on his face.

Thomas grabbed him roughly by the upper arms as he thrust him against the door violently, hurtling his face forwards him, colliding his lips with jimmy's, as he penetrated his tongue deep into his mouth.

The kiss was fierce and desperate as their tongues smashed together, Thomas' delving deep into his mouth. Jimmy could hardly breathe but it didn't matter because as their bodies crashed together, everything felt wonderful. The pleasure may not have been as pure as it could have been, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered at that moment. The kiss was brutal as Thomas converted all his pain into an intense desire for physical contact.

Jimmy could feel his salty tears as they ran down his face and onto his own, seeping into his mouth and tingling on his taste buds. At that moment Thomas was wild, animal even, as he ran a hand up and down jimmy's back, forcing himself closer as he compressed his body against jimmy's chest. With each run of his hands, he brought it a little further down each time, finally bring his fingers to hook inside the waist to jimmy's trousers. Thomas rammed his face down towards jimmy's neck, licking along the skin of underneath his jaw, before bringing his mouth down to sink his teeth into Jimmy's neck.

He had never been loved like this before, it was so feral, so uncontrolled, all the interactions before had been romantic and caring, but now they were uncultivated, and Thomas was a creature which couldn't be tamed. Jimmy moaned at the sensation of Thomas sucking on his flesh. The feeling was new, unexplored, and his lust was growing stronger by the second. All memory of the previously witnessed events had soon been forgotten as Thomas showed him his capabilities, creating a yearning so deep within, it devoured all sensible thought and control, replacing it with an animalistic craving for contact.

He felt Thomas' warm skin brush against his neck and down onto his shirt, ripping the buttons open and tearing it off his body in one swift motion. He felt his face once more dive into his skin, gliding lower, as he ran his tongue along his collar bone, and travelled down towards his chest. Jimmy put a hand up to stop him, signalling with his now roaming hand that he wished to strip Thomas of his clothes as well. Thomas panted, his warm breath hitting his face as he watched the pathetic attempted to remove him of his clothes. Jimmy tugged sharply at the fabric of the shirt, pulling it down in a far less graceful manner then Thomas.

Both men stared at each other with passion filled curiosity, before jimmy jumped up onto Thomas' body, latching his legs around his waist, hugging their bodies strongly together, as Thomas licked along the side of his cheek.

Swinging their now interlocked figures around, Thomas clutched jimmy by under his arms and hauled him onto the bed by the wall. The bed creaked loudly at the sudden weight being deposited on it, and Jimmy was thankful all the others were working downstairs. Leaping onto the bed, Thomas lunged himself to sit on his knees at jimmy's feet. Lugging his trouser buttons open, he yanked at the fabric of the legs jerking them off his hips, and throwing them hurriedly on the floor. Jimmy's underwear, as well as both of their remaining clothes disappeared equally as fast. Thomas kissed at his inner thigh before crawling on top of him. Letting their two bodies melt into one, they both groaned at the elating feeling below their hips, shuddering as it raced up their bodies, leaving them exhausted as Thomas tendering kissed at jimmy's cheek, and back down onto his ear, whispering softly to him.

"I love you, I really do. I know at the moment sometimes it may seem like I don't, but you can have this for a fact, I am well and truly in love with you Jimmy Kent."

* * *

**a/n: Thank you for all the feedback on this story, it means a lot to me, so I just want to say thanks for all the reviews, it's really encouraging to know that someone's reading. This kind of took a direction I wasn't entirely expecting at the end, as I was just planning on them having a quick kiss, but it didn't end up that way and it went somewhat further. **

**So yeah, thanks for everything!**


	8. Where two become one

A few days had passed, and jimmy once again found himself outside Thomas' room. It was the crack of dawn and all the servants were getting up and preparing themselves for the long day of work that lie ahead, jimmy quietly revelling in delight that it was his half day off. Placing a soft knock on the door he waited patiently for the reply, a hushed mummer beckoning him in.

Jimmy stood by the door as he looked down at Thomas, dressed, and writing at the desk. The floor was flooded with the begins of letters, only a few sentences in, scribbled out messily, Thomas obviously deeming what was on the page unsuitable to be said. Thomas looked up from the untidy desk, turning his attentions away from the page he was writing on, placing the pen in his hand down gently.

Starring at his lover intently, jimmy felt a small blush creep onto his cheeks as he recalled the evening of romantic liaisons with Thomas right against the very down he stood leaning against quietly. Jimmy smiled faintly, fighting away the arousing memories, absently running a finger in circles around the delicate bruising of bite marks on his neck.

"What can I do you for Jimmy" Thomas asked in an usually meek tone, gazing up and him as he awaited an answer.

_Oh, many things…you could start by ravaging me against the door for a start, I'm ravenous for you touch!_

Jimmy bit his tongue, resisting the urge to use the response in his, sensing it may not go down to well. As much as he enjoyed their previous interactions, he couldn't help but find Thomas behaviour that night strange, out of character even. Yes they had done things many times before, but Thomas had always been so much more romantically driven, rather than sexually, his every action rooted to a need to care and love in a gentle manner; but that night he was something else, someone else even, and jimmy had a feeling that his sudden physical out burst must have been attached to a cause, with a secret romantic reasoning for his actions.

Jimmy pushed the thoughts that his actions were caused by his problem and issue that had developed over the resent months, and set his mind back on track for what he came to say.

_At this moment in time, I don't even care where the outburst of sexually energy came from, all I know is I want more! Perhaps I can shape my request to result in more physical love? I mean, I'm not being selfish, am I? No, of course not. It's not my fault that he's been in a sour distant mood and hasn't given me any attention in weeks. I'm merely looking out for my best interests and his if he'll let me 'cheer' him up…_

Shaking all thoughts out of his head, he got began to say what he planned to ask Thomas.

"Well, I was wondering, as I have a half day off in the afternoon, and you have a full day off, maybe we could spend it together." Jimmy asked as calmly as possible, preparing himself to talk Thomas into it and destroy any excuses he might make.

Thomas looked blankly at him, before letting out an annoyed sigh.

"I have a couple errands to run in the mourning,-" Thomas began, a hint of annoyance hiding in his voice.

"It's just that we hardly ever spent anytime together, and I miss you Thommy" Jimmy said, using the best soppy caring voice he had, whilst walking forwards to run a thumb along Thomas cheek.

Thomas didn't look convince, although he didn't frown sadly towards at the end of the sentence.

Jimmy searched his mind for something else to convince him with.

"And anyway, when will we get a chance like this again. We almost never have time off together on the same day, and it would be a shame to miss such a wonderful opportunity to spend even a few days together in such lovely weather" Jimmy said brightly, gesturing with his hand at the window on the far wall.

Thomas glanced at it as the sun shone through brightly through the glass, casting rays of light across his face almost as if on Que.

Apparently, that was enough to convince him, and although he suddenly looked sullen at jimmy's words and at the sight of a lovely day, he agreed solemnly.

"I s'ppose we can go out then. As you say, when are we going to get a chance like this again? Met me by the river in the woods at 4.00, you know the one."

"I know the one" Jimmy beamed, regardless of Thomas' downcast attitude.

* * *

He fidgeted nervously in the servant's hall, pretending to be interested in a cup of tea which had gone cold form hours of neglect. He watched the swift movements of bodies gliding by with hands full and minds busy thinking about the tasks at hand. Although jimmy normally enjoyed his time off, this time he couldn't help but anxiously sit waiting for time to pass, whilst his brain reeled with all that was currently happening in life, and all that was about to happen. He wanted to get the most out of this day as possible, and knowing that getting anything out of Thomas would be difficult, he didn't want to waste the time and make him angry by pestering him with questions early on and quickly came to the decision that he would bide his time, and only ask at the best, calmest moment of Thomas' mood.

_Never then._

Due to his nosy nature, and Thomas' unstable emotions, their relationship was already becoming strained, and jimmy knew it could not take much more damage. He knew he shouldn't keep asking what Thomas' big secret was, but the curiosity was eating at him inside, and he just had to try and find out, at least one more time tonight, before abandoning the quest (well vocally at least) and letting Thomas be.

In any other circumstances, jimmy would have doubted his faithfulness, and questioned his actions in more of a accusatory tone, but even though Thomas hadn't been as emotionally attached as he used to be _(apart from that night),_ he was still defiant of his love for him.

Jimmy continued to watch out of the open door for sometime, before his eye finally caught sight of Thomas' moving figure hurtling down the stair case. Almost subconsciously he got up to stand quietly at the doorway, his eyes only just peeking over the edge, as he watched him round the corner and stop abruptly outside Mr. Carson's door, starring at him, and taking in every little detail of his person.

In his hands was a small pile of long, thin, rectangular papers, most likely letters, and jimmy gaped as he watched Thomas suspiciously look to each side before, opening the door and sneaking inside secretively. Jimmy held his breath with the worry that Thomas could have seen him, but as he saw him completely disappear into the room, with out catching his eye, he was finally let out a deep sigh of relief.

Jimmy crumpled his face in thought as he deciphered the expressions and body language used by the under-butler. His entire persona conveyed that of suspicious plotting, and wrong doings, and jimmy momentarily thought that perhaps this was what he was like when he was friends with O'Brien.

Jimmy's mind whirled with options and thoughts as he stared disbelievingly at the door to the room, replaying the mysterious sight to which he had just witnessed in his mind.

Some moments later, jimmy observed from a better positioned seat at the table, Thomas emerging from the room, and gliding purposefully down another hall in the opposite direction.

_What on earth was all that about?_

* * *

Jimmy sat on the bank to the river, hidden deep within the woods, awaiting Thomas' arrival. He looked around at the familiar surroundings, looking upon every sight, every detail, with fond memories. As he ran his fingers through the grass, his mind took him back to his first official 'date' with Thomas; and even though it was over a year ago, he still held that night close to his heart. To be honest, he held this very place close to his heart as it had become almost to be their special place. This was the very place that Thomas had first said 'I love you'. It was where they had exchanged their unspoken vows of everlasting love. And most importantly it was where the bond of fully requited love was formed with the first kiss of true love. This was the place where two became one.

Jimmy heard the ground crunch behind him in the sound of approaching footsteps and before he knew it Thomas was slumped beside him on the grass.

"Hello beautiful" Jimmy whispered tenderly, running a hand down Thomas' cheek, before resting it to cup his face. To his surprise Thomas didn't flinch or pull away, which he had become accustomed to doing to all romantic gestures.

Unannounced, jimmy hopped to his feet, and began to start undoing the buttons to his shirt, and slipping it off his shoulders, letting it fall to the floor gracefully. Before long jimmy had successfully removed his trousers and shoes to, letting his hands linger above the elastic to his undergarments, trying to decide whether or not to remove them. Feeling daring, jimmy decided he would, slipping them off and letting them collapse to the ground with all his other unwanted items of clothing.

Jimmy looked down and smiled at his suitably unclothed state, before turning back round to Thomas.

Thomas' jaw hung open incredulously.

"What are you doing?" He asked in bewilderment, letting his eyes glide up and down jimmy's body, before resting back at his face.

"Going for a swim"

Jimmy said as he walked towards the water, letting his toes dip below the surface. The river was warm and inviting, but it could be even better with someone to enjoy it with.

Jimmy turned around again.

"C'mon, join me." Jimmy said with a playful smile, waving a hand at Thomas.

"-but you'll have to loose the clothes first"

Thomas stared at him awestruck with shock.

"What, me? Naked? In there? With you?"

"-unless you'd prefer to swim fully dressed?" Jimmy said patronisingly with a laugh, turning back to grin a Thomas.

"Well no-"

"Then come in then! A little water isn't going to hurt!" Jimmy beamed as he watched Thomas wearily undress.

"This isn't a good idea" Thomas continued worriedly.

Nevertheless, he wobbled cautiously into the water to join jimmy, who was already paddling around in the centre of the river. But before long, they had both gotten use to the water, and were soon clinging to each other and bobbing together as one nearly shoulder deep.

Jimmy nestled his head into Thomas' neck, and traced light kisses up to his face, before tenderly pressing a loving kiss on his lips. Thomas clutched his torso tightly, whilst wrapping his arms around his waist, and leaning his head forward, so that their foreheads were touching gently.

"I love you so much" jimmy whispered, running his tongue along Thomas' ear and bringing both hands up to run through Thomas' now messed up hair, smiling softly at the silky texture.

Moving backwards he readjusted his head to look him in the eye. Thomas' body was shaking ever so slightly against his and he knew that they should make their way out soon, but he just wanted to enjoy the moment a second longer.

"-and I don't want to let you go. Not now, not ever-"

Thomas winced uncomfortably.

"You will have to eventually" Thomas said in a hushed tone.

"At least let me have you for the day. A treasure our rare moments of complete togetherness and I'm not going to let this day pass with out making the most of it."

Thomas laughed gingerly under his breath.

"Fine, I'm in your possession for the day. I'm yours to use however you wish!" Thomas said with a knowing look and a gleam in his eye which hadn't been seen in so long, jimmy had almost forgot it had ever existed.

* * *

A/N: sorry if theres any mistakes in this, I didnt have time to give it a once over proof read. Oh and thank you to everyone who had reviewed, it means a lot to me.


	9. Heart to heart

Walking along a grassy knoll, they walked together with clasped hands. They had strayed from their usual path, and were now wayfaring down a surrounding field. The normal green of the grass was now cast in foreboding shadows as the sun sunk into the ground, and the moon raised, taking over the nightly duty, and glowing in the dark sky.

Treading over to a small hill, they slumped down on the pasture, positioning themselves to be at the perfect angle to take full advantage of the star filled galaxies.

They eventually settled on lying down, hands overlapped, as they stared straight ahead, emerging their minds into a world of black and white, where the only colour existing being that of radiated love, glowing through their flesh, and alighting their bodies.

Jimmy knew what he wanted from the evening. He wanted to talk. Properly talk. Have a real heart to heart, and find out as much as he could before being forced to stick his head in the sand, through either his own choice or Thomas' will to not communicate.

Jimmy didn't want to make things uncomfortable, so just settled on staring forward in the sky. Choosing his words careful, he hoped to extract as much information out of Thomas as he could before their warm atmosphere of love and safety changed into cold secrecy and emotional seclusion.

"Thomas, I just want you to know that I love you, and I'm here to fight your corner and help you through whatever problems you may hold"

Gazing nervously at the stars, jimmy awaited his unknown response.

Thomas let out a sigh of exhaustion.

"I love you too, more than anything in the world..." Thomas said, his spare hand messing with the fabric of his coat "-and I know things may be hard sometimes, but you've just got to accept things and get on with them, no matter how much you want to help" Thomas said wearily, face creasing with what looked like guilt.

Jimmy turned his head slightly, daring to sneak a peek at the expression harbouring his features, giving himself a moment to configure the visual evidence before continuing.

_Guilt?_

But what has he got to feel guilty about. If he was apologising for resent behaviour, then yes, I could understand guilt, but he's not, he's saying...

What is he saying?

Accept what?

He knew there was only so much he could ask, and Thomas was unlikely to hand over the real reason, but he could at least try and delve into the motivations of the secrecy.

_Maybe if I try from a different angle?_

"I know you don't want to tell, but just tell me this, why don't you want me to know, why don't you want my love and support?"

Thomas gave a small sigh at jimmy's persistence, feeling touched by his care and devolution to his wellbeing. Nevertheless, he went on to continue forbearing the truth.

"I want your love more than anything in my life, more than life itself, but I cannot accept your support, and you're just going to have to trust me and know that I have my reasons for doing so."

Jimmy mind searched through all the different approaches he could use, quickly sorting them through to find the best answer.

"Well..." jimmy said craftily "if you don't want me to help you, can't you at least just tell me what it is?"

Thomas gave another sigh, this time deeper, and began to speak in a pained and conclusive voice.

"if I told you what it is, then I'm afraid that you to would finally understand that there is nothing you can do to fix the problem"

"but-"

"I'm doing my best jimmy, and this is what's for the best. Everything I do is for you"

"I just want to know what your doing, I just want to know what decision it is I am meant to be respecting"

"if I told you there would be no decision to respect. Just let me love you, and time will eventually tell you all you need to know"

"I'm just trying to love you to, and...and, I fear I'm not being loyal to you by letting this slip past-"

Jimmy began, but was cut short as Thomas interjected his opinion.

"-but I want it to slip past. And you have no idea how loyal you are being to me."

Together they sat in silence, looking up at the stars, the only noise being emitted into the atmosphere, being the sounds of the breath circling their lungs, escaping out their mouths and streaming into the midnight sky, in a white cloud of frosty smoke.

"I never understand your motivation for anything. I never understand anyone's motivation. Can't we all just live and get on with things without needing reasons for doing so. Why can't we all just live openly, things would be so much easier" Jimmy mumbled under his breath, feeling suitably annoyed by the dead-ended reply from Thomas.

"It would be easier, but the truth is Jimmy, life isn't easy and life isn't kind, and we just gotta make do with what's in the cards of fate."

"And I s'ppose the cards of fate made you a secretive bastard"

Thomas' face momentarily darkened before shrugging off the comment and giving a calm and sensible retort.

"Our emotional reactions are not always a part of fate Jimmy, we decide them for ourselves."

Jimmy felt a wave of anger flare up inside of him.

"How can you sit there and act like there's nothing wrong. How dare you sit there being all high and mighty acting like your hearts made of stone and your invincible to everything! And anyway, when the fuck did you start getting so bloody philosophical, eh?"

"In times of darkness it doesn't hurt to explore life, take a step back and look at the bigger picture for a second. Maybe you should try, then maybe you'd see that words like that aren't always appropriate! I told you I'm doing my best, and what do you do? Your be rude to me, because you treat everything like it's your property, like you have full ownership to every sodding thing, and every bloody piece of information in the world!"

"Yeah, well, maybe your best isn't good enough. Ever considered that?" jimmy snarled viciously.

Both feeling burned by the words exchanged, Thomas' eyes suddenly filled with tears, his body shaking like the day Jimmy walked in on him crying.

"I don't know why I even bother with you. How can part of you be so lovely, then when I need your nice side more than ever, I get this-this…I can't even describe you anymore! You're selfish Jimmy Kent! I may have been a self serving jerk in the past, but I was never emotionally selfish, I never demanded anything from anyone. Men like us; it's not our place to demand. We have to take what little love we can get and make the most of it, not treat it like it's nothing, like it's in plentiful supply. Well you know what? Maybe my supply of unconditional love is running our. Maybe my heart has just about had the shit kicked out of it so much, it doesn't want to bother with a guy like you who's only gonna hurt me even more?" Thomas spat out through shaking breaths.

"You quite done with your little speech, princess? Done been such an over dramatic, moody bitch? I don't know why your talking about your life like it's been so bloody hard, you're a servant for Christ sake! A working class, poor, lonely servant, who if anything, has had an easy ride compared to others!"

"Oh because you life has been so much more hard!" Thomas protested.

"Maybe it hasn't, but I'm not parading around like the worlds gonna end, like my heart has beaten and battered, like I'm going to die!"

"We all have our scars inside and out, its how we deal with our own, and other peoples which is important. And to answer your first question, the only reason for any action anyone ever does is because they are either acting out of love or fear."

As the atmosphere mellowed, time eventually caught up with Jimmy, leaving him to finally acknowledge all that he'd said, feeling embarrassed by his actions and words. He couldn't even bare to look at Thomas after how he'd behaved towards him, instead choosing to quietly mumble his words, whilst looking at Thomas' fidgety hands:

"I'm sorry Thomas; I didn't mean what I said."

"I'm sorry to Jimmy. But you did mean it though, didn't you? It was what you were thinking and you said it. Sometimes I admire the boldness of your actions, but just remember theres a time and a place for it. C'mon, lets go, I'm freezing"

"It isn't that cold"

Thomas shot Jimmy a quick glare before stumbling to his feet and beginning to walk, suddenly stopping of hold out a bent elbow.

"You comin'?"

"Oh I'm always coming for you Thomas"

_Well he said he liked my boldness…_

"Behave!" Thomas said with a smirk concealing the smile creeping onto his lips.

"Why should I behave when it's so much more fun to misbehave, especially with you" Jimmy said playfully, giving Thomas elbow a light squeeze, enjoying the look of a genuine happiness on his face.

"Well you do have a good point, I am a lot of fun to misbehave with!"

"Don't flatter yourself" Jimmy said giving Thomas shoulder a playful slap, suddenly stopping them and turning Thomas to look at him.

"We can make it through anything though, can't we Thomas?" Jimmy said with a shy smile.

"Of course we can. Our love is indestructible" Thomas said with a grin, taking jimmy's hand in his own and leading him back to the abbey, wondering carelessly through the disillusioning night, treading across the fields knowing that they were once again alone in the dark together, and that no one could put an end to their love.

* * *

A/N: So we're nearing the climax of the story, I believe that there is just this chapter, and then the next until we find out Thomas' big secret. As always review and stuff. Love you :)


	10. Taking Advantage

**a/n: sorry for such a disgustingly late update! Also, warning for some creepy ass slash. It sort of took a direction I wasn't anticipating, but oh well. Never written anything slashy before, so sorry if it's not as um slash-tastic(?) as you would like. As always, thanks for taking the time to read, follow, review and all that good stuff.**

* * *

Jimmy dragged Thomas by the hand up the stair case to the servant's quarters, oblivious, or maybe just ignoring, the fact that Thomas was slowing down, and had to stop every so often to catch his breath.

"Hurry up!" Jimmy frowned, tugging at Thomas' outstretched limb, pulling him in an upwards direction, encouraging him to continue walking the stairs up into his bedroom.

"Wait a minute!" Thomas growled, unimpressed by being rushed. Smoothing out his angrily contorted features, he let his face fall into an expression of mild drowsiness, before continuing in a calmer manner.

"Jus' need to catch me breath a sec'" the under butler went on, worming his hand out of jimmy's grasp, to bend over, both hands rested on his bent knees, gasping in deep breaths.

"There'll be time for rest when we're done! Anyway you promised me that you were mine to use and abuse for the day, remember!" Jimmy said with a proud smirk.

Still trying to steady his breaths, Thomas looked up from his place a few stairs down and shot him a peeved look.

"Don't push it James. Look, I agreed to spend the day with you, but really, I'm tired, okay-and…just let me go at my own pace" Thomas said wearily. Normally, jimmy would have felt sympathy for the older man, but at that moment he was happy to let his increasing need for contact cloud his better judgement.

10 minutes later they arrived at Jimmy's bedroom, slowing push the door open and shoving Thomas in with the hand on his lower back.

"We'll do it in my room as your rooms a disgusting mess,-" Jimmy said strutting over to the bed and pulling out the sheets, scrunching them up into a huddle at the end of the cot, as he pushed them aside. "-and there's no way I'm getting naked in your room if I have a choice, Thomas-" Jimmy said, turning to look at the under butler, who still stood by the door, clutching the wall for dear life.

"Thomas, are you even listening?" The footman went on, crossing his arms over his chest, a sultry expression taking over his face.

"Jimmy, I don't think I'm gonna be up for it tonight, I'm sorry, I-"

"Of course you're _up for it,_ you ain't gonna get away from me that easily!" quickly walking forward to grasp Thomas' hand, pulling him forward with such vigour that he began to stumble towards the bed. In such a state of exhaustion and lifelessness, Thomas didn't even react to the fall, his head colliding with the metal frame of the bed with a loud _thud. _

Jimmy buzzed over to the side of him, yanking him up by his arms, and plonking him down to lie horizontally on the bed, his legs hanging off the lower edge of the mattress.

Drunk on desire, jimmy collapsed to lie on the other man, causing Thomas to let out a "eurghh" at the sudden weight being dropped upon his torso. Jimmy was basically shaking with energy and lust, as Thomas lie underneath him lathered and fatigue, feeling too weak to put up a fuss.

Shifting his body to lie straight, he situated himself to sit over Thomas' crotch, fumbling with the buttons to Thomas suit jacket, making hasty progress, and eventually pulling Thomas up by the collar of his shirt to slide the item of clothing of his shoulders. Thomas, verging the point of near collapse, made no effort to defend or assist the removal of this clothing.

Consumed by liveliness it wasn't long before the footman had extracted the clothes of both himself and Mr. Barrow.

"Jimmy-" Thomas began but was stopped but a finger placed over his lips.

"_Hush Thomas_" Came the whispered reply, as he removed his finger and replaced it with his lips. Thomas had the softest lips he had ever felt, like satin or silk, and in the moment he felt himself burn with the yearning to feel his mouth all over his body.

He ran his tongue along his lower lip before stopping to bite down on it, causing the under butler to moan in either pleasure, pain, or discomfort, he wasn't sure which, but he didn't really care if he was being honest. He needed Thomas. He needed more of him. _All of him._

Thomas spoke again, but he wasn't listening, all his words just sounded like noise, a noise encouraging him to go on. His hunger for Thomas' body was eating him up inside, almost too much to bear, and as he knelt on all fours, the other mans body placed between each of his limbs; he felt a wave of vivacious passion consume him, telling him to take more of the man under him.

Thomas weakly raised a hand, but Jimmy swatted it away, pinning it down under his grip, his physical energy so much stronger than Thomas'; and although he hated to admit it, he loved the power he felt over Thomas, all his tension and worry for the other man seeping out to be replaced by the spirited thrill of knowing that he could finally have him. _At last!_

Releasing his hold of Thomas wrist, he shuffled back and dipped his head down to run his tongue up and down the centre of Thomas' chest, his actions possessed by vitality.

"Quiet as always then. You not enjoying my physical company?" jimmy whispered, nibbling at Thomas' ear lobe, causing him to make a whining sound. "You were never quiet in bed when we first got together, and you certainly weren't quiet the other day!"

Shifting his face to nuzzle his neck, he pressed his nose deep into his flesh, smelling his skin in the process. Cheap cologne, soap, and cigarettes. He was certain that was the smell of true love. It was a smell which would be unpleasant on anyone else, but on him, held the strange emotional attachment of safety and comfort within its scent.

Briefly looking up, but still keeping the closeness of their bodies, he asked:  
"What's the matter now, you seem...distracted? Oh yes, I'm not meant to ask." Jimmy sighed "You were okay earlier by the lake. Say something to me Thommy." Jimmy muttered into his collarbone, blushing at the memory of their lakeside encounter.

He felt Thomas' body tense up against his own at the statement. Shrugging off the comment, Thomas quickly re-instated his facade, hoping to create the illusion of cool calmness, he replied:

"I Jus' don't have much to say, that's all, and to be honest Jimmy…" Thomas said shakily, before dropping his voice in volume so that it was barley above a whisper, "_I don't really feel like this tonight and-"_

Jimmy cut him off.

"Of course you feel like it! You're just being stubborn that's all, refusing to let yourself feel the passion of the moment!"

"Jimmy, _please_, my head hurts and I'm sleepy, and-"

"To hell with your head! You'll feel far more awake when we're done! Just close your eyes and you'll feel better in no time!"

"_Jimmy!"_ Thomas begged, lines of discomfort etching into his face.

"_Thomas!_ Stop whining at me and enjoy yer self" jimmy said mimicking Thomas' protests as he sunk down Thomas chest, bringing his face to hover in between Thomas' nether regions.

"_You're taking advantage of me"_ Thomas said, but his voice already sounded faded and distant, as Jimmy licked Thomas' inner thigh, ascending and descending his tongue along the expanse of flesh.

Trailing light kisses up his leg, jimmy began to lavishly elevate his tongue up and down Thomas' member with great exuberance. Thomas grunted noncommittally. Jimmy glanced up from his actions to see Thomas lying flat on the bed, one hand placed to cover both of his eyes; the other pressed against his temple were he hit the bed frame. The skin was turning purple with the beginnings of a bruise. Jimmy continued to suck, whilst observing Thomas' movements. Removing one hand from across his eyes, yet still keeping them screwed shut, in what appeared to be unease, the under-butler guided his hand shakily to grip the side of the mattress strongly, despite his weak disposition.

_Is he uncomfortable?_

_With me?! I didn't even think such things were possible._

_Or is perhaps he bored? Yes, that makes more sense; no one could possibly be in a state of discomfort in the same room as my naked glory!_

_Right, I'll show him who's boring!_

Slipping Thomas out of his mouth, the footman repositioned himself and began to thrust into the under-butler rear ruthlessly, mesmerised by the warm, tight sensation of Thomas' body around him. With every propulsion Thomas let out an unguarded moan sending shivers down Jimmy's spine. Thomas' voice sent him on a power craze, desperate to hear his voice as many times as possible, going faster and harder than they had ever gone before, addicted to the indiscreet groans Thomas made only for him.

At that moment Thomas' voice was his drug and he wanted nothing more than to abuse his addiction.

When he came, Thomas' body was truly eradicated, his chest heaving, making his entire body rise and fall as he collapsed against it; his lips sore and swollen from the biting, and most likely his rear aching from the sexual attack.

Thomas quirked his head up to look at Jimmy, a vulnerable look on his unmasked face, as he opened his mouth to talk, but found no words come out, so shut it again, sinking back down onto the bed, his eyes closed tightly.

"You're selfish, unreliable, childish, demanding, Jimmy. I hope in another life we can meet again and I can care for you without feeling like a fool for doing so.

You make it so hard for to me to love you."

And with that, Thomas passed out into a deep sleep.


	11. Tragedy is ours

_I've been a horrible person. What have I done? I don't deserve his love. I've let him down._

_Even if he was being a jerk and not telling me what was wrong…there was still no need for my actions, the things I said, oh god, the things I did…to him…against his will._

Thomas voice rang in his ears.

'_You're taking advantage of me'_

_He felt a twist of remorseful anguish in his stomach; a guilt so strong he thought it may just rip through the lining of his abdomen and devour him whole, a worthy punishment for his recent sins._

It was late. But for some reason Jimmy was still awake. He couldn't sleep, his mind kept washing over to remind him of all his recent ill deeds towards the other man; he'd acted harshly, wrongly, and Thomas was right, he was _selfish, unreliable, childish, demanding_. The fact that Thomas was right about everything he had said at the time burnt in his chest, as a flame of guilt and shame torching his heart into nothing more than ashen embers.

He knew he should probably try and get back to sleep, but the warmth of Thomas' front pressed into his back was enough to convince his mind that he should lie awake awhile longer before attempting to get back to sleep. Thomas' right arm was drooped loosely over his waist, his hand resting lightly across his stomach, his other hand beneath his body, pressed into his hip.

One could say the calm aura of the room was perfect, if one could block out their former actions.

Despite everything he had done, everything that was happening between them , caused by Thomas' secret, _whatever it was_, he still felt perfectly content and in love at that moment, as his mind blocked out their present and drifted into their past.

Jimmy lay wakeful in the dark, remembering how he had been so lost until he found his one true love, _Thomas._

_And now I've treated the only thing I care about in the world wrongly._

Every since arriving at Downton to work, he had loved being near Thomas; the company they shared, whether that be companionship, romantic-or even sexual acts together;-it seemed hard to believe that that was a statement he never would of imagined making to his self before he had arrived at the Abbey. But there it was; the truth. Staring him straight in the face the second he walked through that door, everything suddenly so obvious, so natural, as he realised who he was the minute he looked into Thomas' pale blue eyes.

He smiled slightly, laughing inwardly at the fact that even though he was scared and nervous at the time, he still made the first move.

_"Bold as brass"_ Thomas used to say to him, every time he had openly conveyed his emotions. _"You certainly do wear you're heart on your sleeve, don't yer?"_

The concept of showing how he felt seemed to be lost on Thomas. Jimmy often wondered that maybe it was because Thomas had known what he was far longer than himself, _more years of experience, more opportunity to get so fucked up you can't even smile without worrying what people may think._

_What a world of difference there is between us. _

It seemed strange to think that he never realised his preferences until the day he met Thomas, the idea of him harbouring _homosexual_ feelings was unthought-of, and his younger self-although not much younger- never even considered the possibility of loving another man. But now, he was certain of his love, and nothing would change that. His love for Thomas would go on, and on, and on...

_"I'll make it up to you my love"_ Jimmy whispered, breaking his own thoughts with the words he muttered almost subconsciously, into the dark.

Jimmy let his mind wonder, straying into fantasies of a life with the under-butler, living with him, perhaps in a little cottage they could call their own, just the two of them, where he could just lie next to him every night; feeling the beat of his heart against his back, hearing the soft and steady breathing in his lungs, reliving this moment, every night, for the rest of his life. Being able to be content and happy just knowing one another's alive and with you, just being able to hear the other breathe, knowing you have a safe and secure life together...

_Except I don't. Not here anyway. There's nothing secure about our life at Downton. Nothing at all._

Jimmy turned to lie on his back, staring into the darkness of the ceiling and the uncertainty of their unmapped futures.

_Well at least I'll have Thomas, even if I have nothing else._

Jimmy twisted round his body again, letting his limbs become entangled with Thomas' own, scooting down the bed to rest his head on his chest, cheek parallel to his heart. Anticipating for the gentle beat that would tell him that he has something, _someone_, worth living for, even if not for the conventional, convenient, lifestyle. Jimmy strained his ears to listen to the gentle thud, _the very quiet, gentle thud…?_

_Hm. Nothing_.  
_  
Wait…What..!?_

How can there be nothing?

_Pfff there can't nothing…Maybe if I just listen a little harder then…_

_Still nothing._

Nothing.

OH MY GOD! NOTHING!

Shooting up, his own breathing becoming strangled, jimmy turned his head to look down at the motionless figure lying beside him.

_Dead._

_Oh shit, he's-  
But...? How...? When? Why? Has he been dead long? How long? How long have I been lying next to a stone cold corpse planning my future, our future?_

Oh cruel irony.

How could he leave me like this...?

_How could I be alone?_

_It can't be! It just can't! _

Jimmy chocked out an uncontrollable wail, chocking on his own breath, his chest tight with shock, the rising panic making it increasingly harder to breathe.

Pulling the bed sheets away from his naked, sweat slicked body; he scrambled up on to Thomas' chest, shaking him violently by the shoulders, tears streaming down his cheeks. His entire body began to shake as he continued struggling to breathe, causing him to let out a noise which could only be compared to a dying female walrus, sobbing manically, with so many emotions and thoughts racing through his head that even crying seemed just too hard, _just too painful._

Jimmy let out an anguished scream of sorrow; he continued to shake the now sitting Mr. barrow, pulled up by the hands still gripping his shoulders. He slid off his stomach to slump into his lap, as he held his torso tightly to his own, Thomas' naked flesh suddenly feeling like ice. What would have once been an arousing position for him, with the proximity of their skin, now just filled him with the thoughts of what would never be, and what will never be again.

_How could I not have noticed this?_

"Nooo..No...No…I can't...I can't lose you! Not when I've only just found you" Jimmy whispered helplessly, hugging his corpse, as if his love could bring him back to life as he pressed against the under-butlers departed body.

Finally dropping him to back to lie flat on the mattress, he looked down at the naked man who once was: his friend, lover, soul mate, even this future, and his happy ending; their love which he once thought was so eternal, that even death could not separate them. Now as he stared at Thomas, cold and distant in his state of death, he realised how wrong he was.

_Things like this don't happen to real people, these tragedies only happen in silly books, surely?_

Jimmy screwed his eyes shut dejectedly, the reality of the situation finally sinking in, he was all alone. Thomas had been taken from his future, stolen from his life, and in those few seconds his world had crumbled, for without Thomas barrow he could no longer see a world, and although he may have not shown it to him correctly the last months gone by, he was his everything, he was his existence. The older mans carcass was how merely a cruel reminder of how little he had, yet how much he had to loose.

He heard a noise outside of the door, a growing ruckus and clattering diffusing through the air, but the atmosphere was so thick with sorrow and broken dreams, that the sounds went unnoticed, drowned out by the shattering of Jimmy's heart and Thomas' breathless lungs which spoke volumes to the pain of the footman's soul.

Curling up on his chest, he hollered out in tears of pain and distress, as the part of his mind that once felt loved, filled with Thomas' care had died, leaving only ruins of a life that once seemed possible and a heart which once felt love.

The door swung open. And with that, all hope was lost, along with every ounce of self control evaporating, never to be seen again, well at least not in this life.

a/n: so this is what it's all been building up to, sorry if it was a nasty surprise! Just to clarify, this isn't the end, I think I'm only about half way. So stick with me, even though this may be the end of Thomas in physical form, this certainly isn't the last we'll hear of him.


	12. Unravelling the mystery

a/n: so I know this has been quite an extreme turn in the plot, but please don't forsake me! I am going somewhere with this, I haven't just randomly decided to make this happen, so don't worry this wasn't me just going "shit, I have no idea what's going to come next." No. I'm a man with a plan, except i'm not a man, erm girl with a plan? And anyway, the story was about Thomas' affect on Jimmy. It'll pick up into a story again after this chapter, then we'll get into the proper stuff, okay?

Really guys, you honestly thought that I would end it like this without any further communication between them, without explaining anything, just chill, and wait. There's still between 5-10 chapters left. I mean there's only so much I can say without giving major parts of the plot away, okay, but stuff you want addressing will be addressed one way or another AND this is only the end of Thomas in **physical form. **So just relax, I just can't jump straight into the next thing to quickly, but it's coming like next chapter or something like that. Sorry for ranting, but geez you guys!

* * *

"What is the meaning of thi-"  
Carson bellowed, with the gasps and murmurs of his fellow Downton staff, most likely crowded round the door way, adding to the already bad situation present.

"Jimmy! What on earth do you think your doing on top of Mr. Barrow? And where are your clothes-" Carson demanded.

"I shoulda realised all along when you twos started getting overly friendly! After all the comments about barmaids...you're a filthy queer just like him!"

"Alfred! That's enough of that thank you I think it's already _perfectly_ clear to all of us what's going on" Carson huffed, eyebrows raised so high they were nearly hovering above his head in mid air. Soon to be in need to resuscitating, his disgust for the current event lay apparent on his face; hatred and repulse seeping out of every frown line and wrinkle plastered across his shocked, and soon to be catatonic face.

After ushering the spectators out, only to have them all linger eavesdropping in the corridor; he turned around firmly closing the door behind him, before turning to face the emotional wreckage on the bed.

"James, Mr. Barrow, what is the meaning of this?" Carson said in revulsion, his face turning red with rage.

It was all too much. Jimmy tried to say something, anything, in response, but all that came out was an unidentifiable whining sound.

Carson marched over to the bed.

"James, answer my question now, wait-" Carson stopped and furrowed his brows in disbelief "-James, is Mr. Barrow _asleep_, are you doing _these acts_-in Mr. Barrows _sleep_?"

"He's dead!" The footman wailed, somehow finding the strength to reply.

The butler stumbled backwards, awestruck with the blonde's response.

"He can't be! Well I-I…Are you sure?-I mean I always knew that your kind were vigorous creatures of sex-but…You killed him!"

"What? No! No Mr. Carson-I-I don't know what happened" Jimmy squalled in defence.

"Get up!" The older man ordered, grapping Jimmy by the arm and yanking him onto the floor, his legs giving way, as he collapsed into a crumbled heap.

"Stand up now. We'll call for the doctor in the morning, and get this whole sorry fiasco out of the way, quickly and quietly. Pick him up by his wrists and help me carry him into his own bed, God knows he can't stay here the night. We'll discus your position tomorrow."

Shooing everyone out of the hall, they lumbered the body out of the room, until reaching Thomas' door.

Letting go of the former-under-butler, Carson leaned the corpse against Jimmy, who clung to him with all his strength, the tears still streaming down his cheek, as the butler fumbled with the knob to open the door.

Deciding he was done assisting, Carson directed the younger man to the bed, where he dropped the body, exhaustedly.

The butler turned around upon hearing a voice behind him.

"Mr. Carson? The girls keep hearing loud noises from the men's corridor...is everything alright?" Mrs. Hughes questioned through the door to the bedroom.

Turning back to face Jimmy, Carson demanded with a scowl "You Mr. Kent and Mr. Barrow…" Carson regretted his words as he gave a wince towards Thomas body sprawled across the bed, "…Well just you then…better have a jolly good explanation and be ready to conduct yourself in a suitable manner in the morning!"

Without a second glance back, he walked away adding:

"I'm going to bed James; I suggest you do the same. I'll give the announcement of the tragic event tomorrow, and I suggest you keep your part in all this quiet."

And with that he stormed out the room, leaving jimmy once again alone in the dark with his pain and abandonment.

Jimmy had no intention of leaving the room. He wobbled over to the gaslight and lamp, lighting them with trembling hands; illuminating the room in a mysterious glow, as he feel to his knees in the centre, back resting against the metal frame of the bed.

_Maybe I did kill him. Oh god, I shouldn't have been so rough with him, then he never would have hit his head and…_

The now heavy gush of tears made his vision blurry. He wiped his eyes with the palms of his hands before bringing them to rest against his temples.

He looked around the room which held the entire contents of Thomas' life, it was still no tidier. The desk was still a bomb site of papers and letters, many now making their way onto the floor. A certain object caught his eye and he stumbled to his feet to inspect it closer. The cardboard box he never got round to finding out what used to be inside. He brought his quivering hands towards it, slowing taking it in his grasp. The opened the lid to peer inside. _Bottles._

Carefully Jimmy took one out and inspected it in his hand; the bottle was just over half full and appeared to be a medicine container of pills. Inside the confines of the box there appeared to be a few more jars similar to the one he was holding. There was a small white label on the front which Jimmy assumed was the name of the medication. A tear escaped his face and landed on the paper attached to the glass, causing the ink to run.

Suddenly, realisation dawned on him as he dropped the bottle, which shattered by his feet.

_This was his secret?_

_Thomas had been dying all along. _

Jimmy felt his heart break as he realised all those months where Thomas didn't seem himself, all those conversations where he wouldn't say what was wrong, all that time where he didn't try hard enough to ask how Thomas really was, for fear of breaking the peace. All that time Thomas was dying, all that time and jimmy wasn't there by his side, emotionally helping him through the struggles of illness. All that time, suffering alone in the dark. Asking no support, no kind regards, requesting no extra love or special care from anybody. Probably thinking admitting his pain would make him a hindrance. Thomas was so brave, and most of all, thoughtful in his hour of weakness, not wanting to negatively impact the lives of those around him.

This thought merely made the guilt worse.

If he could cast all his woe aside, he admired how he had been able to do all that, with all fear he must have felt.

_"The only reason for any action anyone ever does is because they are either acting out of love or fear."_

Now he knew that Thomas had been acting out of both and all the time putting a brave face on. The man he once knew was always putting a face on, hiding real emotions from the world with a permanent wall around his heart, constantly shielding himself; most likely through fear.

Jimmy knew now that it was time to follow Thomas' actions and words and do the same, or at least try to put a brave face on. And as much as it hurt, it was finally time to properly say goodbye and give him the send off he deserved, not giving anyone the privilege of seeing his true pain in the process.

Jimmy crawled over to the bed, and rested his head on the mattress, looking at the other man. Bizarrely he looked rather peaceful; perhaps the most relaxed he had looked in months.

Jimmy reached a hand up to stroke the hair which had fallen across his face and into his eyes.

"You were brave Mr. Barrow, very brave"

As he sat staring at him, he cast his mind back to all those months where he had been alone in the dark with Thomas, but this time was different. This time, although they were alone together, Jimmy was the one who was ultimately alone, for Thomas was dead.

* * *

**_Meanwhile_**

Thumping down the stairs, Mr. Carson, with Mrs. Hughes in tow, eventually came to a stop outside his office. Ushering her in, he began to talk before the door had even been closed.

"On goings!" Carson exclaimed angrily heading towards his office chair.

"And they didn't even stop...what ever kind of sick activities they were doing with me, and everyone else, looking in!"

"I've never been so disgusted by a situation in my life! They _dare_ to perform sodomy under my roof, and then that boy having the audacity to not even bother to stop whatever revolting displays of affection he was showing, and not even face me! If it was out of fear I would be less angry, but it's not its out of...out of...Oh I don't even know what it was out of!"

"Mr. Carson, you're getting your self all in a state, and you haven't even properly addressed the matter" the housekeeper spoke softly.

"I suppose you're right Mrs. Hughes. I will speak about the matter after breakfast with James-but after what I've seen, I have a good mind to fire him on the spot!"


	13. Voices and Visions

a/n: Hello again. Sorry last time you read an authors note it was kinda rah rah rah. In an ideal world maybe I should have written and uploaded several chapters all at once to give you more of an idea where this is going, although this isn't an ideal world and ain't nobody got time for that so…But perhaps it would have saved some annoyance? Most of the 'oh woe is me' stuff is out of the way, people are still going to be sad of course, just not as y'know erh plotless depressing sad. I was sort of hoping you'd get my hint on the last two notes about where this was going, but you didn't seem to. Oh well! I'm praying to god that this chapter gives you more of a vague understanding of where all this is headed, and just bear in mind it will build up slowly. Please tell me if you've worked it out so I can finally relax and stop worrying about you all getting confused and leaving! Also, I've taken a bit of a creative license on the illness, and in all honesty I have no idea what he had. Tried to research it, but got nothing, apart from the common stuff. But does a name really change that much? either way, doesn't help that the first thing which comes up is Sybil Crawley!Sorry this is really long, I'll shut up now!

Things aren't always as bad as they seem. Even if they seem pretty bad.

* * *

Jimmy awoke the next morning to a finger prodding at his face and a distinctive Scottish voice softly talking to him.

"Hullo?" They said, giving his shoulders a gentle shake.

"Are you there lad?"

Slowly, jimmy fluttered his eyelids open to the sound, groggily gazing around the room. As he looked at his surroundings he realised that he was lying with his head and arms on the bed, and the rest of his body sprawled messily across the floor.

As he gazed upwards, he saw Doctor Clarkson towering above him, a sullen look spread across his features as his eyes flickered between Jimmy and the bed were Thomas' body lay.

_Oh…all that was real? Christ…_

"Ah, Hullo there-um, I'm sorry I don't believe I know your name?" The doctor inquired, his mournful expression still in place.

"Jimmy-no sorry-James" the footman crocked in reply, his mouth feeling dry, and his throat tight as all of last night flooded back into his memory.

"Ah yes. Well-Did you spend the night in here?"

Jimmy nodded his head weakly, slowly shuffling into a seating position, before rising to his feet, stumbling slightly, to stand leaning against the wall.

"Erh, yes Dr, I must of fallen asleep-and" Jimmy sighed heavily, and rubbed the sleep out of his eyes, to tired to even be embarrassed by his quickly thrown on pyjamas, and the tear escaping onto his cheek. He brushed it away dully.

They fidgeted awkwardly for a few seconds, before Clarkson began to speak again.

He gave a regretful sigh.

"I can't say I didn't know this day was coming, but still, it still feels terribly hapless none the less" he said, scanning the room with his eyes for a place to put down his case. In the end he settled on resting it on the already overloaded desk, picking up the medicine box on the way. He looked down at his feet at the broken bottle and sighed again. After inspecting the box, he said:

"Well, at least it looks like Mr. Barrow used the medication, that would have at least stopped the most of the pain and hopefully dulled some of the negative affects." He glanced towards Thomas again, and walked over to the bed. "Although he did put up quite the fuss."

He looked up at Jimmy, his eyes fixated on the footman's deceased lover.

"He was a difficult lad when he was young, and if you asked me years ago, I might have even said good riddance to his premature death, ah, but not now. The war made a man out of him. I heard he was finally starting to get on quite well with the others." He looked expectantly at Jimmy who merely 'hmmed' in response.

"Were you and Mr. Barrow close?"

Jimmy felt the question like it had cut right through his heart, as the brave face he was trying to put on slipped off into an unsophisticated sob, coughing in attempt to chock down the sudden outburst in tears.

"He was my friend-well actually more than a friend-oh you'll probably find out soon anyway!-He was my-my-lover!"

_Well, it can't get any worse._

Clarkson merely nodded.

Jimmy felt himself breaking down completely as all of Thomas words came echoing through the room, sounding as if they were really there. The Doctor made no indication that he could hear any noise. A few thoughts stuck in his mind, as he continued to put all his knowledge together.

_{'I have an errand to run that day'…'I was running an errand… 'I have a couple errands to run in the mourning'}_

"Was he seeing you, at the hospital, whenever he went out?"

Clarkson took another deep sigh.

_I wish he'd stop doing that, it's me who's had the significant lose, not him!_

"Sit down" Clarkson said, pointing at the single one seater sofa in the corner of Thomas' room.

"It looks like I'm going to have a lot to tell." He said briefly flashing a glimpse at Thomas again before continuing. "But after that I really must get on with my work examining the body"

Jimmy complied with his orders, and walked unsteadily to the chair. He gripped to the arms nervously as he felt a dizzy haze wash over him.

"Thomas has been ill for a matter of months. At first, his appointments were scheduled for his off-days, as he didn't want his work to be disturbed, but eventually it came to the point where he had to notify Mr. Carson that something was wrong, but he refused to tell him exactly what, let alone that it would be fatal. I advised against it but, I'm sure you know that he can be stubborn. Never the less, he allowed him to take time off when he needed it. He was very insistent about keeping the whole affair quiet, only myself, I suppose Carson must have know a half truth, and-_you?-_knew about it."

"I didn't know." Jimmy said tonelessly, his head spinning as he tried to focus on his words, which were becoming increasingly distant and muffled.

Jimmy thought he looked shocked or surprised, but in all honestly he wasn't really focusing on looking at him anymore, his eyes drifting off to look behind the other man absently, staring at nothing in particular.

Time seemed to run patchy, and Jimmy kept on finding himself tuning in at random points of the conversation.

_"…spotted certain symptoms in him? Like, drowsiness, tiredness, weakness, irrational behaviour perhaps, achiness, some people experience heightened frustration and senses…"_

Somewhere in this list jimmy blacked out, and yet again found himself being shaken awake, although slightly more forcefully this time, by the doctor.

"This is obviously a very traumatic time for you, so please contact me if you're in any need of help. I'm going to start to get to work and making arrangements for the body to be removed after the house has been notified. I suggest you go to your own room and get ready for the day. I came early, so everybody's only just getting up."

* * *

Somehow Jimmy found it back to his own room, managed to get dressed, albeit sloppily, and he soon found himself staring into the mirror of the vanity table. He looked a horrific mess. Normally he would have freaked out and rushed about trying to make himself more presentable, but today he didn't even care, nor have the energy to do so.

_It's going to be a shit day for everyone anyway, might as well blend in._

Jimmy thought wearily, taking note of dishevelled hair with random strands sticking up, and his eye bags revealing his extreme lack of sleep and stress. He looked at his unmade bed with disgust.

_Urgh, and on top of everything I have to sleep in a bed of death!_

The words him and Thomas had exchanged over the past few months continued to circle his head. He brought his hands up to shakily cover his eyes as if it would stop the increasing noise haunting his mind.

_{'Just got to accept things and get on with them'…'I don't want to let you go. Not now, not ever'…'Everything I do is for you'…'trust me and know that I have my reasons for doing so'…'I am well and truly in love with you Jimmy Kent'…'Men like us; it's not our place to demand'…'I'm not parading around like the worlds gonna end, like my heart has beaten and battered, like I'm going to die'…'time will eventually tell you all you need to know'}_

_Fuck time!_

_God, I've been such an arse…will I never be allowed to forget it?_

"SHUT UP! EVERYTHING JUST SHUT UP!" jimmy shouted, looking up from his hands into the mirror.

As he looked past his reflection, to the bed behind him, he could have sworn that his heart momentarily stopped beating. The few seconds that he sat staring at the familiar reflection in the background felt like hours, like time had briefly stopped as he caught sight of the vaguely transparent figure sitting nude on the mattress, watching his back.

"Thomas?"


	14. The Son we Never Liked

"Thomas?" Jimmy asked again incredulously into the mirror. As he said his name, he faded away so quickly it seemed like he had never been there at all.

Jimmy sat awestruck, frozen in his seat from the ghostly apparition he had just witnessed.

_That was real, wasn't it?_

Jimmy felt his mind reeling again with past words. Shaking his head, he tried to push them to the back of his mind. Standing up and straightening out his jacket, he stormed out the room and down the vast expanse of stairs. The words got less and less obvious the nearer he approached the basement, his state of dizzy shock quickly being consumed by the raw emotion of anger and irritation as he saw everyone sitting at the table, chatting easily, happy expressions plastered on their faces.

He stomped over to the table, and dumped himself down heavily on his chair in the servant's hall, his face crumpled dourly, as he stared at the plate toast absently, staring at it as if it was about to get up and do a song and dance at any second.

"Jimmy, are you feeling alright, you look a little-_glum_" Anna said warmly, holding no malice in her tone, as she paused her eating to look at him, her face filled yet again with concern.  
_  
I see the news hasn't got out yet then._

Christ, why do I seem to be the constant reason for her concern?

"Oh I'm fine" jimmy replied perhaps a little too belligerently. "I'm just glum because-well why not? I wake up everyday to a shit room, cold floor boards, uncomfortable uniform, pointless work, and to top it all off I get to eat dry sodding toast and lumping flavourless porridge, and if that wasn't enough, I the bonus knowledge that everything which means something to me is going to die!" jimmy said sarcastically, with mock-Joy.

Anna sat staring at him stupefied.

"James! What has gotten into you? You will apologise to-" Mrs. Hughes gasped in shock. She was cut off by the arrival of a very red eyed Carson appearing at the arch of the doorway.

Everybody rose from their seat, Jimmy taking his time, deciding that he had the right to be full of in-subordation today.

"Mrs Hughes, may I have a quick word with you in my office?"

No sooner than he spoke, she was up and following him down the hall, and into his room.

Everyone sat awkwardly round the table, no one wanting to be the first to speak, aware of the obvious tension which the butler's jarring expression had just created. Jimmy continued to sit indifferently at the table, all previous traces of confusion and sorrow now fully devoured by a raging wrath, flaming below the surface of his skin.

"Well, I wonder what all that was about" Ms. O'Brien said with subtle curiosity.

Bates chimed in:

"It's not our place to question. If we need to know then we will be told"

"Exactly" Anna added, but the look of worry grew on her face as she continued. "But I do hope everything's okay-"

"I'm sure it is-" Bates began to reassure her, only to be cut off and spoken over by Jimmy's curt response.

"Nothings ever alright, stop acting like your holy attitude can fix things!" Jimmy growled, eyes fixed on the whorled grain of the wood.

"James, I don't know what is going on in your head, but can you grow up and stop forcing us to be subject to your bad temper. There are more important things than the little dramas in your life, which might I add, are your own doing, if what I saw last night in your room is anything to go by!" Bates frowned sternly.

_Who the fuck does he think he is, Mr Carson? How dare he make insinuations about my personal business at the table with everyone listening!_

Jimmy's shot his head up, eyes narrowed at the valet as he started to bark out:

"Who the fuck do y-"

As Jimmy glared at the older man, he was stopped short, his mouth hanging open, as his eyes fixated on the transparent figure of Thomas just behind him, leaning on the door way, a cigarette'd hand resting on his hip, now fully dressed, in what appeared to be coat tails. He looked the spitting image of a rich aristocrat, yet despite it all he was still unmistakeably Thomas. As he stood looking directly at him, time felt like it slowed down as they made eye contact, and at the moment nothing else in the world, let alone the room, existed. The expression in his eyes was sharp, like he was trying to bore right into his soul. And as he saw him, the background buzz of past words and the servant's chatter stopped, and it was completely silent.

The footman gaped at him for a few more seconds, before Thomas turned his head away and ambled away down the corridor and up the stairs, fading out of existence.

Suddenly, like snapping out of a trance, jimmy was back at the table, feeling like he had just returned to the situation after visiting another world entirely.

All eyes were on him, gawking at him in bewilderment.

They spoke, but their words sounded distant, like they had with Dr Clarkson. The footman put a hand to his head, feeling overcome by an unexpected state of disorientation, his vision blurring slightly, from the perplexing, and dare he say it, slightly disturbing sight.

He was in what only could be described as a state of transit, as his mind drifted back into reality, and his perception cleared and refocused on the people around him.

He didn't even feel like he was able to talk, it felt as if all his senses had stopped working, and as he sputtered out the under-butlers name, his voice was raspy and raw.

_"Thomas?"_

Bates and Anna exchanged an uncertain expression, neither sure how to respond. The others continued to stare open mouthed.

Bates ended up being the first to speak up.

"Hmm…no Jimmy, Thomas isn't here." His brow furrowed in thought. "Say, where is Thomas today, I know you two had…_a long night_…but he does seem to be making quite the habit of over-sleeping" The valet wondered out loud.

**_Meanwhile_**

"What do you mean he's dead?" Mrs Hughes said in distress, not quite trusting her ears to believe what she had just heard.

"I mean exactly what I said. He's dead; he died last night…_in bed_" Carson said with a wince, hardly believing they were having, yet again, a conversation with an element of Thomas' sex life in it.

The housekeeper stumbled backwards in dismay, her back coming to collide with the wall behind her, as she tried to process all that she had just heard.

Her face twisted in disapproval, as she righted herself again, her eyes becoming glassy with the build up of tears.

"You mean all that last night…all that you said…to me-_in here_-during that time you _knew_ this tragic news, yet you still-you still spoke of condemning them-you were still considering firing them and taking some kind of action- knowing this?! Oh, Charles, how could you?"

The tears they both appeared to be holding in, came flowing out as soon as she finished speaking.

Carson pulled a hanky out of his pocket and proceeded with wiping the pain out of his eyes, trying to regain his usual conduct and professional superiority.

Out of all the years Elsie had been working at Downton alongside the butler, she had never once seen him cry.

"I suppose that the reality of it all hadn't quite sunken in at the time…I guess that it's easier to be angry, at least that way you don't have to confront to truth." Carson mumbled gruffly, not wanting to meet her eyes.

Mrs Hughes shuffled over to the desk, and perched on the corner, bringing a hand up to rub at his shoulder comfortingly.

The butler broke down into tears again.

"Oh Elsie! He was here so long-and-and-he was almost like a child to me, _a child to us really!_ I mean all the younger staff are in a way-but especially Thomas, he had been here so long-he was like a son to me, maybe not a son I necessarily _liked_, but still one of my own who I wanted happiness for."

He sighed deeply.

"We could have done so much _more_ for him. He always thought everyone was against him-_punishing him_-that nobody cared. We made him _think_ that he had to fight for his place here, we made him believe that we didn't care, when really-I can't believe I didn't see it before-all he had to do was ask us-and even if it was partially his own doing through his overly proud ego-still we allowed him to think that our assistance didn't include him. We saw him grow into a man from a stubborn boy. We still don't-_didn't_-see eye to eye but…he wasn't that bad-and-and, we didn't tell him that enough!" Carson said sinking his face into his hands.

The housekeeper nodded gravely in mournful understanding.

Carson rose to his feet and wiped his eyes, turning to look at Mrs Hughes.

"We shall speak no more on the events witnessed in this room"

Elise quirked her eyebrow up in amusement, before letting it fall at the thought of the under-butler, knowing the next step in the situation.

"It's time we went and notified the others." Carson spoke, his tone now remarkable steady, as he inhaled a deep breath in preparation and walked out of the door.

a/n: So there might be some sucky updates after this because i'm back to school and I have like one last month of exams until schools over, but I'll try to update at every opportunity, and I will update, I'm not going to disappear for 3 months (again), so the new chapters might not be as frequent as normal. I hate to take any kind of break at this kind of stage in the story, but at least we're sort of at stable-ish ground. Reviews would be greatly appreciated. Okay, well, love you!


	15. Revealing the news

**a/n: long time no chapter! Sorry if there's some weird kind of erh dates not working out quite right, I find putting things into a time context hard, especially with me changing when everything happened in the show to make it work for this. Also there are some weird ass mistakes in this, like I was looking at that chapter which actually had the dates and I must have like changed my mind about the month and only like changed half of them! Kind of defeats the object of making the time clear. Yeah so my bad! If your curious or want to know then I think the date is about August in the story, but just don't go digging around the dates too much because you'll find they probably don't make sense (despite how much I tried to make them work!) Oh well, on with the story. Oooh wait no sorry, one more thing, y'know the whole Jimmy hearing voices and things, you can probably already tell but I'm not actually writing them down anymore, just because I think you already get the idea and that could start to be annoying after a while. **

**Reviews and stuff are appreciated and thank you to everyone who's already done all that good stuff. xoxoxox**

* * *

Carson turned the corner out of his office, and neared the servant's hall with a sickly trepidation brewing deep within his stomach. He had seen his share of deaths during his long rein over Downton, each one so different from the last; from the announcement of the death of Patrick Crawley, the once future heir of Downton leaving the household uncertain of what was to become of Downton; to telling those who didn't already know that William had finally died, even though everyone was very much aware of his state of near death. And finally having to drag the staff out of bed out, after a already taxing day, to say that dear Lady Sybil had died of preeclampsia, after everyone being lead to believe that the birth had gone well.

He remembered how Thomas had ran out the room in near tears. Not often had he shown true emotions, but that was one of the rare times, and he feared it would be forever burnt into his memory.

Downton has seen far too many deaths in its time, for that the butler was sure, but even the knowledge that this wasn't the first time he had had to make this announcement, didn't make it any easier.

See Thomas was different. Far different from the other deaths; although he had been behaving himself these past few years, well, he was still _Thomas. Thomas_, nobody's favourite. _Thomas_, the one no one was quite sure how he had managed to stick around. _Thomas_, the one that didn't quite fit in. He was certain Thomas didn't actually have any friends, although he had built a few friendly bridges over recent years, he wouldn't necessarily call them friendships, more mutual understandings to co-exist in a pleasant manner. Apart from his friendship which O'Brien which thank God had started to deteriorate last year. He always thought she was a bad influence on him. So he had no friends. Actually no, that wasn't entirely true, he thought that him and James shared a friendship, until light of last nights previous events otherwise showed it to be nothing more than a sexual agreement. He was sure Mrs. Hughes would tell him off for thinking such things.

But what does he know? He's only the Butler. He obviously didn't know very much as to the Thomas state of health, what with him lying dead upstairs, waiting to be moved to the hospital, he thought with a grimace.

As he stood in the doorway, he silently applauded himself for holding his composer in a professional and stern manner through years of training and perfection. The sound of chairs scraping filled the air as everyone rose to their feet, expecting to be ushered down with a wave of the hand so their breakfast could continue. Today however was a different story. Carson cleared his throat and took a deep breath in, mentally preparing himself, because in all honesty, and Thomas being the character he was, he had no idea how they would react.

"I have some upsetting news to tell you all. Last night-" The butler felt his throat go tight as he swallowed uncomfortably. "-last night" he repeated, hardly believing what he was about to say, deep down wanting to stall for as long as possible just so it didn't have to be reality for a few more seconds. "Mr. Barrow-Mr Barrow…_passed away_" he said with a deep breath, allowing himself to mumble the last part just this once, waiting for the inevitable reaction.

Jimmy wallowed helplessly, much like he had last night, yet everyone was too rendered speechless and paralyzed by shock from the news they had just heard to react.

Daisy was the first to speak, holding a plate of toast.

"Passed away, you mean, like _dead_?" She asked incredulously.

"Yes, daisy, like dead" He said with another sigh.

The plate fell out of her hands and shattered against the ground with a large cracking noise but no one seemed to care.

It was probably only a few seconds, but it seemed to last for hours, as Jimmy's heart momentarily froze, and the world seemed to slow down as he watched people gasp and raise their hands to their mouths. There was something about the announcement which made everything seem so final. Thomas really was dead, wasn't he? No more pretending it was just a dream, everybody knew now.

His mind was flooded with unanswered questions, as he felt himself zone out, the words, the memories ringing in his ears again, as the conversation, and life continued without him.

"My word!" Anna exclaimed, eyes brimming with tears, as she clutched a hand to her chest "What would have caused such a thing Mr. Carson?"

"I'm afraid we don't know the answer to that question Anna" Mrs Hughes said gravely, appearing next to Carson.

"But he was in perfect health. He was just a young man!" Bates objected in disbelief.

O'Brien snorted under her breath and chimed in "I wouldn't go that far," before (for once) realising the inappropriateness of her actions and shrinking back into herself.

He had been her friend for nearly 10 years after all, until their scheming truce was broken off nearly a year ago when Thomas refused to participate in a scheme with her to get her newly recruited nephew Alfred promoted. She had hoped he would set some things up to make him look good, but at the time, he had finally reached the point where he was happy where he was; having just being promoted to under-butler, and was ready to grow up. Jimmy remembered the way Thomas had burst into his room jittering around in excitement as he exclaimed with his sentences running together as they poured out his mouth in a hurried flow. _'I got a promotion! Me! I'm going to be under-butler, I'm not really sure what one does, but Carson offered me the job, I didn't even have to grovel! I didn't even have to ask what was to happen with me now that Bates is back; he just gave it to me! Oh and after all that time I thought that I would have to leave and find a new job, this means I can stay with you!" Thomas said flinging his arms around a surprised, and slightly taken-aback-with-the-whole-speech, Jimmy, crushing his body against his into a tight embrace_. Jimmy had thought at the time he was going to crush me. Jimmy smiled lightly at the fond memory as a tear rolled down his check. Nearly one year ago. 8 months ago to be exact. Jimmy had worked it out in his bedroom that morning after speaking with the doctor. That must have been about the time that Thomas had started to act odd around Christmas.

_8 whole months of Thomas having a secret illness._

Jimmy screwed his face up, brow furrowing as he thought he heard a faint noise in the background, almost like a gentle calling. It was currently inaudible, the words sounding muffled, making no distinctive word, but as the voice increased he could have sworn he heard someone calling his name.

_{Jimmy…Jimmy…Jimmy}_

The voice continued to sound, and he shook his head, as if he could physically shake the idea out of his mind, cursing his imagination under his breath _"bloody silly idea"._

He felt consumed by guilt. Regardless of his face twisted in pain, the conversation still went on, because why should his feelings be any different to theirs? He was just his _friend_ after all, not his spouse.

_Wish I was his husband. Least then I could say my man had died! But no, I'm shoved in there with the rest of the group now mourning him! My mourning should be acknowledged as more important; he was my Thomas after all, not theirs!_

_Ha, it's funny how death makes people suddenly care._

"Well, actually, Dr. Clarkson told me this morning that that's not the case." Carson gave a heavy sigh. "Well, on another note, his Lordship said that you could all have the half day off, apart from Anna and Bates who just need to dress his lord and ladyship before they have their time off."

His face contorted as he remembered his conversation with Robert, the look of genuine shock and pain etched into his face.

_"He's dead?" Robert said mouth agape._

_"Well…I, I really don't know what to say to that…other than, I'm so sorry that this unfortunate incident had to happen. You know, I had rather come to like Thomas, sure, I heard he was a bit..erh…rough around the edges personality wise, but-Dare I say it, recent years made a man out of a boy-and I'd be a fool not to notice the change." The Lord said clutching his glass tightly, suddenly looking very distant. With a face conveying all the agony Carson was trying to hide, he gave a deep sigh, before taking a large swig of the whiskey in his hand._

_"Well, I guess our life will just have to go on, as it always does" he said wincing as he thought of his poor dead Sybil, "But at least I will think of him as the man he became, not the man he once was, after all, it's how they were as a person in the present which really counts."_

_"Of course m'Lord, I to will do the same" Carson said giving a bow leaving the room._

_He didn't have the heart to tell him about the 'other details' just right now._

"Be back by dinner." Carson bellowed, coming back to the situation at hand. "Oh and Mrs Patmore, his Lordship said he thinks a simple, cold meal would be best under the circumstances. You may all be dismissed." He said turning on his heel to walk away, but then spinning around sharply to say:

"Apart from _James_,"

Jimmy's head shot up, snapping him out of his trance .

"You will see me in my office at once."

_Bugger._


	16. Until we meet again

**Sorry if there are any (more than usual) mistakes in this, don't have time to go through it because it's 2,000 and it's 10.30 and ain't nobody got time for that. Also sorry if you feel that the characters are a little occ, it's kinda strange circumstances so.. yeah. also as the story progresses more characters are like getting involved with the plot and stuff so, theres also some flashbacks because at the time i couldnt show you the scenes with thomas in, so i'm doing it now where i think it's relevant. Next chapters going to be a longer flashback with Clarkson, because i've changed my mind and now I am going to go into what thomas died of but i'll do that properly next chapter. thank you to everyone on tumblr who helped me with deciding what illness he had. I had to look up stomach cancer for you so i hope your happy! I had to look at the wikipedia page with my hand over the half with the pictures D: Squeamish as hell (sorry this is long again)**

* * *

Jimmy shifted uncomfortably on his feet as he stood in front of Mr. Carson's desk. He took a deep breath in, holding it as he felt his stomach twist with worry. Walking over to his desk, Carson heavily sat down and began shifting through the many papers which littered his desk.

"Now I'm sure you are aware that your actions were wrong, and that under normal circumstances you would be punished, fired even" The butler began, sorting the papers into an orderly pile and placing them at the corner of the desk.

"Yes Mr Carson" Jimmy gulped nervously, his palms starting to sweat, as he resisted the urge to wipe them on his trousers.

"But-" He continued, hardly able to believe that he was about to make such a statement.

"-myself and Mrs Hughes have come to the decision to let your part in this incident slip past, _for the time being_."

Jimmy's mouth hung agape for an iota of a second, before closing it, and trying to regain a more professional. He was so relieved he thought he might just burst, or do a dance, or kiss Carson.

O_n second thought maybe I wouldn't go that far._

"T-thank you Mr Carson" Jimmy stuttered out, hardly able to believe the reality of the situation.

The butler continued on as if nothing had been said, his pride feeling damaged at having to let such an indecency go by basically unpunished. Then again Mrs Hughes did point out that _'the death of a loved one is more than enough punishment',_ but if that was so, then surely they were all being punished?

"Seeing as the main element of the issue is now dead." Carson scolded himself for the bluntness of his words as he watched Jimmy take a sharp inhale at the word '_dead'._

Welcoming the distraction, Carson pulled open one of the draws to his desk and took out a small stack of letters tied together by a piece of rope. The sight of the bundle sent Jimmy into a state of déjà vu, as he recalled seeing them before.

"I believe Mr Barrow left this to you." Carson said, unknotting the string and brandishing one of the letters in front of the footman.

Jimmy took it tentatively with shaking hands, sliding it into his jacket pocket.

"thank you Mr Carson" Jimmy said, leaving the room after seeing the butlers nod, signalling him to leave.

* * *

_Carson sat at his desk going through the order forms when a brief knock sounded at the door. Before he could even reply, Mr Barrow walked in and shut the door behind himself. The younger mans eyes darted around the room nervously, until finally coming to rest on his disapproving face._

_He has no right barging in here like that, he's only under-butler, he doesn't run the house, decided which rules he will and will not follow, he's been slacking enough as it is recently._

_Before the butler could voice his opinions, Thomas was walking towards the desk and holding out the stack for him to take._

_He warily accepted it, immediately suspicious at seeing his name written on the letter at the top of the pile._

_"What's this" Carson asked gruffly, exhausted from sorting papers all day, and in no mood for silly shenanigans and games. __**Thomas is too old for all that silly nonsense now.**_

_Thomas ran his tongue over his lower lip tensely._

_"May I request that you look after these in a safe place? It's just…I they can't be read yet…but they will need to be…soon" The under-butler requested incoherently, his voice full of apprehension. _

**_What kind of daft game is this?_**

_"And when, pray tell, would that time be?" Carson said, clearly not amused._

_"erh.." the question seemed to take him off guard, as he paused a moment to think. Carson would normally be sceptical about such a change in character, but as he had been acting out of sorts for so long, and he was so tired, he decided that he still didn't particularly care what Thomas was up to, just as long as it didn't cause damage. They were still finding random broken things, damaged by guests and staff alike, months after the Christmas party; the house really didn't need any help from Thomas._

_ "You'll know when" the under-butler answered vaguely, before shakily bowing, and leaving the room._

_With a deep sigh, Carson put the pile in his draw, and decided to not waste any thought over what it could be._

**_Strange child. _**

* * *

Carson stared down at the remaining letters sitting on top of the table, inspecting the different names: there was one for His Lordship, Mrs. Hughes, Dr Clarkson, and finally himself. Taking the paper into his hand and picking up his letter opener with the other, he began to open it and read.

_Dear Mr Carson,_

_As I'm sure you are aware, by the time you read this I have unwillingly left the service of Downton Abbey. Through this letter I formally give you, albeit regrettably, my resignation from my position as Under-Butler._

_Please know that it was my honour to work for you and this house, and I did appreciate my job, even if I didn't show it enough, and thought that it was a silly made up job, but I appreciated it all the same. Underneath it all I was grateful for my place here, maybe because I always knew that I was always so close to loosing it at all times if anyone ever found out about me, (and I'm sure at this time we can both finally admit to knowing to what I am referring to)._

_ I'm sure you know, having got to the position you are at now, that you have to strive and work hard to get to where you want to be, otherwise you'll never succeed. I'm sorry that I went about doing this, trying to move up in the level of my job, in the wrong way. I knew my career was all I had, and all I could ever have, so I let my ambition lead me to do bad things, hurt people who didn't deserve to be hurt, and now I can see that those decisions probably weren't for the best and didn't help me advance, and some of them I regret._

_I apologise to have left your service unannounced, but I didn't want to disturb work and life with my evitable fatal outcome sooner than I had to. _

_Yours sincerely,_

_Mr Barrow_

Carson stared down at the paper blankly, before folding it back up and placing it in the draw. He would never admit it, but he felt his eyes well up slightly at the truthfulness of the words before him, yet at the same time feeling a slight tinge of annoyance to the younger man's audacity to sign his death note _Mr Barrow_, and only say he regretted _some_ of his decisions. Carson expected the ones he didn't feel to bad about might just include a certain crippled valet.

* * *

**_Meanwhile_**

Jimmy sat on the edge of his post-sex-and-death bed, rocking gently backwards and forwards, cradling the letter in his hands, resting upon his lap. He found the echoes of sound to be even louder than normal, ricocheting off the walls and filling his ears. He screwed his eyes shut in hope that maybe he could tune the sound out, but it was no good, the noise only grew more and more intense. He was desperate to know what the letter held, yet at the same time, dreading it. He was well aware that he and Thomas left things on a bad note, and he panicked at the thought that the contents may have an angry tone. He knew Thomas was mad at him, but seeing it in writing would be so much more real, solid proof that he had been an arse and that Thomas hated him.

_I don't blame him for hating me._

Tearing the letter open with agitation, his heart beating wildly in his chest, he tore the paper out the envelope, nearly ripping it in the process as he unfolded the page.

_Dear Jimmy,_

_I hope you get this letter safely and I hope that it is indeed you reading it._

_I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything you must be feeling right now. I'm sorry for everything that happened between us before my death. I'm even sorry for the behaviour I, in many ways, caused you to take. I had no idea my secrecy would evoke such emotions from you, it hurt so much to see you behave the way you behaved, but you didn't know, and I didn't want you to either. I only wanted to save you from the heartbreak whilst I was still alive; I wanted to prolong our happy moments together. I can see now that my plan didn't work, funny it's not the first time one of my schemes have gone wrong (I only told you the lighter-hearted of my plots, if you're feeling guilty, go ask O'Brien to tell you the serious stuff, then you won't feel so bad!)_

_I'm sorry I never got the chance to say goodbye, I'm also sorry I never got to tell you the truth, but maybe this letter will make up for it a little bit. Who knows, maybe we'll get to have that conversation in another life? Or am I being too philosophical for you again? Death does strange things for a man, I'll tell you that. You know I never considered myself a religious man, nor do I now I suppose, but maybe, just maybe, there's something more than just this, just life? Well at least I hope so otherwise I'm going to spend the rest of eternity 6 ft under! Ha! _

_Too soon?_

_In the end the doctor says that its cancer I'm dying of, or I suppose from your point of view it's now died of, but I wouldn't worry yourself with it all, its happened now and there's not really much you can do about it. I don't want you to be sad, nor do I want you to worry. _

_Please try and move on from this as best you can, I know it's going to be hard, but be strong for me, eh?_

_Never forget that I love you (no matter how much of an arse you've been I still care and forgive you, the things I do for love!) And try not to cause too much death and destruction whilst I'm gone!_

_Until we met again Mr Kent,_

_Goodbye,_

_Thomas xx_

_PS_

_I left you something to try and put some of the romance back into the relationship! But you'll have to find it! I'll give you a clue; the first thing is under something, and hidden from view, but on the top of that, it's an item surrounded by taboo, an item where we used to get into, and you would pursue…_

_I'm sorry did I make I just make the letter cheap?_

Laughing, Jimmy placed the page by his side on the bed, despite the feeling of tears building up in his eyes.

_God I miss Thomas!_

Standing up, he thought about the riddle, which didn't take much thought as soon as he looked at the object he just got up off of.

_The bed. God Thomas is-was-a classy man. Only he would write a beautiful letter, than included a riddle referring to sex!_

Lifting up the mattress, Jimmy found another letter, but this one was smaller, and coloured a light lilacy colour. Obviously part of a women's writing set.

_He stole an envelope and paper. What did I say, classy man. Actually I think he'd probably prefer gentleman._

Jimmy gave a small sniff as he bent down to pick it up, dropping the mattress to let it flop back down as he plonked himself down onto it.

Upon looking at the paper inside it didn't take Jimmy long to realise that it was a poem.

"Sentimental sod" Jimmy muttered with a faint smile as he began to read.

_My love,_

_Please understand,  
Death cannot part us,_

_For we are eternal._

_Our love will go on,_

_Long after life has passed us,_

_Because only love can break the bond,_

_That holds us together,_

_Tethers us by the heart,_

_I assure you,_

_That the rope that holds us together is strong,_

_And my affection will go on._

_Remember that death is not the end of the journey,  
It's merely a change on life's tracks.  
A sequel to the story of ones life,  
The next chapter in the book of existence.  
The soul lives on,  
Long after the body has deceased.  
And the hindrances we faced did not kill our love,  
In many ways,_

_The overcoming of them made our love stronger._

_I know it's hard to tell right now but,  
But the questions never answered in life,  
Will be made clear in death,_

_Until then you will have to wait,_

_But please don't worry my love._

_After all,_

_We are two souls sharing the same destiny,_

_Yet taking separate paths to get there._

_This is not the end,_

_I promise you we'll meet again,_

_When our paths cross,_

_And your life ends,_

_We shall be as one again._

_But until then,_

_Farewell, my sweet._

"Trust him to be bloody romantic even beyond the grave!" Jimmy laughed, his voice wobbly and uneven as he broke down in tears. But for the first time yet, these tears were not filled with guilt and regret, it was the cry you would give when a family member dies under usual circumstances, untainted by any other feeling or emotion other than loss.

For the first time yet his tears were just simply…tears.


	17. Dead man walking

**a/n:So this chapter is the flashback chapter, sorry if its kinda medical and stuff. Oh also sorry if some of the stuff isn't completely 100% correct, I tried to research it as best I could! grh so many dates. I think I said that I thought thomas dies in august, forget that, I think decided it was april, not that it makes much of a difference, but yeah. Reviews welcome :D**

* * *

**~Flash back to Late December~ **

Thomas sat awkwardly on the chair outside of Dr. Clarkson's office waiting to be called in. Time was going agonisingly slow and he was _dying _to go in and get some answers; maybe even _literally_ as he still had no idea what was wrong with him. He had been felling tired and worn out for weeks, and although at first he thought there was nothing wrong, as the days passed by, and the problem didn't go away, (in fact getting increasingly worse), he began to worry. He had gone in 3 weeks ago for an appointment, thinking that his fatigue was just due to lack of sleep, and maybe it was, but Clarkson wanted to investigate further. He didn't know what he'd do if it were something bad.

_I'm sure it wont be, it's not like I'm going to go in and he's going to tell I'm terminally ill and going to die. I just need to relax._

One of the nurses walked up to him and told him that the doctor was ready to see him. Unwillingly, Thomas felt his guts twist themselves into knots with worry.

"Ah Thom-_Mr Barrow_," he corrected himself "do take a seat" Clarkson called, pointing to a chair in front of his desk.

Thomas detected the uncomfortable expression on his face, and deduced, (feeling almost like he knew, from some kind of intuition that he didn't even know he possessed), that something was wrong. It had to be, why else would Clarkson look so…solemn.

With unconfirmed knowledge of bad news, Thomas suddenly felt frozen, like his legs couldn't move, like his entire body was encased in a block of ice, as he stood rigidly with his back to the door.

The under-butler shuffled over to the chair with a slight sense of trepidation. Normally he wasn't one to worry or fuss over littler things, and this was little, nothing had been confirmed yet. However, nothing had been ruled out yet either. Thomas couldn't help but feel a sickly worry overcome him. It felt like his entire life depended on this appointment.

"Now Mr Barrow, could you please just say what you've been feeling recently, one more time, just to confirm that nothing has passed by which could be…_significant_ to your diagnosis."

Thomas knew it was bad. _He already has a diagnosis in mind! He's already basically certain, he just wants to double check!_

Thomas shifted in his chair, his brow furrowing as he took a deep breath and tried to calm himself and relax his features into a more natural position.

"erm well, I've been feeling tired lately, more so than usual-_but maybe it's just because I'm getting older now, can't handle the whole Christmas rush like I was able to when I was younger-"_ Thomas tried to justify , but even he could sense that he was just making excuses.

Clarkson nodded for him to continue.

"I've um also been having some indigestion as well as some heartburn-_although it is a stressful time_-"

"Yes, but you haven't had the same level of these things on previous years?" Doctor Clarkson intersected, trying to convince Thomas to stop trying to make excuses. He already knew what the answer was, and Thomas telling himself there were reasons would just make the acceptance of the truth harder.

The younger man looked down at his knees and nodded slowly.

"I haven't really been feeling that hungry lately, but I've just been trying to eat anyway, it's a long day and I don't want to draw any kind of attention to myself by not eating." Thomas paused briefly, sorting through everything he'd already mentioned to find anything he'd missed.

"Oh and I've also been having some stomach pains-well not pains _exactly_-but something, discomfort I guess."

It was clear that Thomas was uncomfortable with talking about his feelings and state of health, and as much as Richard wished he didn't have to be the one to break the news, he knew that he had to.

"I'm sorry to have to tell you this Thomas but-" He had known Thomas for ten years, and even though he wasn't particularly fond of him, he couldn't help but feel that it was like telling his own child that- "You have cancer."

He paused and waited for the under-butler to take the information in.

Thomas stared at him open mouthed in response.

_Cancer?_

"But…_how?_"

"We have found though years of research that cancer is a hereditary disease, and although you may not be aware of it in your family, what you inherit is the potential for it, not the actual cancer itself-"

"I get nothing from them my_ entire_ life…and then I get _given_ this!" Thomas growled, anger flaring up from a place in his heart deep within him. He had promised himself that he wouldn't waste any thought or anger on his family for kicking him out and cutting him out of their life just for being who he was, but he couldn't help it.

Clarkson continued regardless of Thomas' anger.

"However there is also the theory that you could have got it as a result of trauma"

"That's ridiculous! I've never been traumatised, I, o_h_-"

But that was a lie. And he knew it; he had experienced being disowned by his own family and the war, that was enough trauma for anyone.

"But why would I be getting it _now?_ Surely, I would have got it years ago, at the time?"

"It is merely a theory Mr Barrow, we can not be to certain of the legitimate cause for it. But what I can confirm to you is that cancer has a constitutional nature and has lead to an alteration in your bodily fluids. It will now proceed to spread around your body through these liquids. And I expect this has already begun to happen, so it's hard to pin point _exactly _what type of cancer you have, but I believe that it is located within your abdomen, perhaps stomach cancer? It's hard to tell."

_Delightful._

"Is there_ nothing_ you can do?" Thomas begged, his eyes becoming glassy with unshed tears as his deathly fate dawned upon him.

"Well, there are some treatments, but I'm not sure how successful they will be, but we can at least try them. There is still time Mr Barrow, I believe that you are only in the earlier stages of cancer at the moment."

* * *

**~Early March~**

Two months later Thomas found himself yet again sitting in the same chair waiting to go in. However, this time he knew what was wrong generally, and was waiting to be told what could also be wrong. Thomas had never had a real, life-threatening illness before. He was use to himself, and those around him to just get ill, and then recover. He wasn't going to lie; the thought of an illness he wouldn't recover from was terrifying. It sent him into a new and alien aspect of his mind, one where the fear of dying became the norm, one where there was no hope to look to. Strangely it was much different from the war. At least there he could dream of getting out, at least then there was some hope-but really the two things couldn't be compared, the war was horrific and he wasn't going to twist it in his mind to seem like the better option. And yet, he couldn't help doing so. For the first time in his life he had something to lose, someone who would care if he didn't turn up the next day. He had never really had that before. Now he had Jimmy. In reality it almost felt like a burden, having such a big piece of news and being the one who has to decide what to do with it. He knew that if Jimmy was aware he was dying, it would hurt him so much. He might as well commit suicide in front of him; it would leave the same affects to telling the truth. He couldn't cause Jimmy the pain of knowing that he was nothing more than a dead man walking.

As time went by, and the cancer increased to new levels, or "stages" as Clarkson had started calling them. As he approached the "second stage" Dr Clarkson had insisted that Thomas start to come back more frequently. He had only been to the hospital once more since the day of his diagnosis, which he had come to refer to as merely '_that day.'_ He didn't want to think about it any more than he had to, nor did he want to be too precise on anything, written or spoken, and the words seemed to convey his message clear enough without actually having to convey it directly. He knew it was foolish basically speaking in code, like some kind of children's game, but he couldn't be to certain that someone wouldn't be eavesdropping to going through his personal papers.

Much like before, Thomas was called into the office. As he went to sit down, Dr Clarkson pulled out his notepad and flicked to a new page.

"Ah, Mr Barrow, I see you got my letter than." Clarkson said, looking up from the desk.

"Yes, and I burnt it" the words were out of his mouth before he even processed what he was saying. Richard looked slightly alarmed, his lips parting and his brow furrowing in surprise.

"Oh, but-"

"The best way to keep personal details private I find, is to destroy any evidence of them there is"

_God, I'm making myself sound like a psychopath!_

Thomas leant forwards, softening his voice to a more gentle tone.

"I erh…want to keep the details, of my erh…condition, private, and I erh, just want to make sure make sure…I don't want anyone…I really don't think it's best…" Thomas was so nervous he could barely even make coherent sentences, and he doubted he was making any sense.

For some reason Dr Clarkson nodded understandably.

"I think it's time we started prescribing you some medication. Now I have a couple things in mind, and I've already taken the liberty of getting them out as you've said that you're keen on using some treatments"

Thomas nodded vigorously in response as Clarkson pulled out a small box from his draw, placing it on the desk and opening it.

Pulling out a blue glass bottle he instructed:

"Now some of these are just medicines to try and reduce the pain" he said, placing the bottle down on the desk.

"However, I do have a few things which claim to help. I think we'll get you started on…" he fished around inside the box, "the Hoxsey Herbal treatment, which I've had ordered in from over seas. Now, I'm giving you the tonic, and hopefully it should work to remove toxins from your body. Take a small scope of the powder once a day before bed, and then come back in 2 weeks."

* * *

**~Mid March~ **

" It didn't work." Thomas said simply, unimpressed as he glared at Clarkson from across the table.

"Well, did it give you any side effects-"

"Damn right it gave me side effects!" Thomas shouted angrily, drumming his fingers on the desk.

"Mr Barrow, _please_..."

"Don't _Mr Barrow_ me! Do you know what I've had to put up with after taking your voodoo medicine? I've been taking it at night and it's been making me _shake!_" Thomas began, listing things off on his now raised hand, "I've been feeling far more unwell. How exactly is that medicine Dr? _Nausea!_ I've had these God awful _stomach cramps_! And I can't tell you how many times I've had to get up and go to the toilet! A couple of times I've even been sick!"

By this point Thomas was in a point of near hysterics as he repeatedly waved his hand around, until slamming his fist against the desk with a loud _thud!_

"And look at this-" Thomas said as he slipped of his glove on his scarred hand, revealing an irritated burn towards the side, "_-this_ is what happened when I dropped some of it on me!"

"Oh" came the quiet reply.

"Yes. _Oh_ indeed! Y'know what? I've had enough, I'm going!" Thomas huffed, standing up.

"Mr Barrow please, just because something didn't work, that doesn't mean you should give up! You should at least try, if not for yourself, for your loved ones." Clarkson suddenly regretted his words, thinking perhaps he had stepped too far out of line.

_I should at least try for Jimmy._

To Richard's surprise, Thomas sat back down and nodded calmly.

"Well, what do you have for me to try next?"

* * *

**~ Another two weeks later, early April~**

"How did the Brandt Grape Cure go down?" Clarkson asked cautiously.

Thomas sighed.

"Not good. I had most of the same problems as I did with the other one…I've also been feelin' strangely erh…_nervous_ and worried since taking it."

"What about the mistletoe treatment I gave you?"

"I still don't see how it's medicine" Thomas protested, "and it's been givin' me these headaches and cold shuddery feelings, even when it's warm out"

"Well I think the best thing we can do is proceed with it and hope it helps in the long run"

* * *

**~Mid April~**

"Shall we recap again on how you've been lately, it's probably time we do so again, as are last appointments haven't dealt with symptoms of the actual cancer as such."

Thomas nodded solemnly in agreement.

"Now remember to include everything, because although something's _may_ seem like nothing, the nature of cancer is rather…_asymptomatic_, so it's important that you try your very best to not miss anything out."

_I wish he'd stop talking medical nonsense to me._

Thomas sifted through the last few weeks, and began to speak. He had been expecting this question, so was sure to make a mental list of everything before he went in.

"Well, I've been feeling weak lately, errm…I've also been feeling sort of erm…bloated every time I eat. My stomach cramps have turned into more of a pain; I have nausea, but I've only been sick a few times, and nobody saw, thank God; that mistletoe has been making me even more cold and shivery as well, I think people are starting to notice. Also I've lost quite a bit of weight to, but luckily Jimmy hasn't noticed" Thomas stopped, noticing his slip up.

_Shit!_

He continued quickly in hope that Clarkson would just let it go past unquestioned.

_I am dying after all. Respect for the dead and the nearly dead._

"And" Thomas avoided his gaze and muttered towards the floor _"constipation" _

_Now my pride had been well and truly crushed._

Clarkson gave a deep sigh, he knew that Thomas was close to the end, there weren't many more symptoms to discover, it was now only a matter of time, a waiting game. But he was sure that Thomas still had a few more rounds left before his time was up. He was certain.


	18. A strange concept

_I was certain Thomas still had a couple more months before he died. Well, I thought I was certain at least. Honest to God, I thought he had more time. But it seems I was wrong. Again._

Clarkson frowned in thought, pulling off the sheet hiding Thomas' body. What was done, was done, and there was no use dwelling on the circumstances of his death any longer. It was time to finally lay him to rest. It was going to be a sad event he knew, but he was able to take some relief, and almost bitter happiness, that he was finally out of his misery. The poor boy had suffered enough; through the course of the five months he had grown an unusual liking to him, a sympathetic understanding almost, even though he was still very much a mystery. Clarkson's emotions contradicted themselves viciously, much like Thomas' had at times, and he didn't know whether to celebrate the end of the dark path of illness, or mourn the creation of the new path of death.

#

As the Downton staff gathered in the graveyard, Clarkson saw the young footman approach towards the church, a sombre expression plastered across his face. He wrapped his fingers around the chain in his pocket, taking it out along side a small raggedy note. The nurse had given it to him yesterday, apparently Mr Barrow had entrusted it to her safe keeping on his last visit with the instructions to give it to himself, and then to Jimmy upon his death. He couldn't think for the life of him way he'd want to young blond to have his pocket watch, but who was he to question Barrow's actions? He treaded up to the footman wearily, who looked up at him exhaustedly with red-rimmed eyes.

"Mr Barrow wanted me to give this to you" he said, placing it gingerly in the boy's shaky hands and watching as his fingers weakly closed around it. With a subtle shake of his head, one so small you wouldn't even notice if you weren't looking carefully, Jimmy drew his eyes away to look at the object in his hands, as Clarkson walked away and into the distance.

Jimmy ran his fingers over the delicate engravings, feeling the rise and fall of the metal with the pad of his thumb, observing it with his hands, as if he were blind. He certainly felt blind now that Thomas was gone and he was at his funeral.

Unfolding the note, Jimmy read its contents. The writing was a horrific mess as if it were written on an unstable surface, the paper merely a section of a torn up page.

_'Although my time has run out, you still have plenty left to live your life'_

He stuffed the note back inside his pocket, but continued to hold the watch, stumbling across the ground inelegantly, over to join the others by the whole in the ground which Thomas' coffin lay inside. He felt so lost, and hollow inside, as if he were dead himself. Maybe he was, for nothing felt real; he observed his surroundings, yet at the same time it felt like he wasn't actually seeing them himself-more like watching from afar- seeing the events take place, but powerless to make an impact on them. It was like he was disconnected and distant from the rest of the world, no longer apart of it, but not yet a part of another one. Between to worlds perhaps? Although, maybe he really wasn't part of the world any longer, for surely a world is nothing but an empty void without love, and he no longer had love-not in the flesh, something he could touch and hold-he had it only in theory.

He sounded like some kind of silly school girl. He was never the type to be so emotional, but he just couldn't help himself.

He had expected to cry and make a huge scene, but he didn't even feel like he had the energy, he felt drained and devoid. Lifeless, like he was slipping away almost.

The world was there, but it wasn't really there. And he was there, but he wasn't really there. It was like his mind had wandered off for a pint down the village, and his body was left fixated and rooted to its spot.

He didn't feel like himself. Although he certainly didn't feel like someone else. Himself, but not himself.

It was a strange concept, and an even stranger feeling.

He heard the vicar speak the routine lines he gave for everyone, whether it was true or not, but his voice sounded like it was far away, or perhaps it was him who felt like he was far away from the voice. It was hard to tell.

_"We are gathered here today for the funeral of our dear friend, Mr Barrow, who left this world to enter a new one on 23__rd__ of April, 1921."_

_Thomas didn't have friends, only me. I was all he had._

_"He will be dearly missed by all of us."_

_No one really cares that he died. Hell, I don't even think they'd care if I died, and if they can't miss a charming young man, then what hope does he have._

_"We will always remember him for his long and loyal service to Downton Abbey, and the help he gave during the war, working as a medic at the village hospital, as well as his commitment to the running of the Abbey's convalescent home."_

_They all thought he was a coward. I can't bear their lies!_

_"Little is known of Thomas' personal life, people say he liked to stay hidden, so may we pray now that through death he comes out into the open, and lets Christ find him and welcome him into heaven with open arms"_

Jimmy heard a snort of laughter come from behind him, and pulled him self out of his dream-like state to turn around and scowl at whoever made the offensive noise.

_It was Thomas._

He watched as the wraith of his dead lover laughed to himself, shaking his head amusedly.

_"They knew so little about me. Oh well, at least they tried to make my sinful life sound positive" _Thomas said lightly, his voice echoing through the air towards Jimmy. He watched with apprehension and confusion as the former under-butler turned to walk away, floating out of the church yard and into the village.

Jimmy ran after him as fast as he could as watched Thomas backtrack away from the funeral and disperse into the distance. He could faintly hear the sounds of voices calling after him, but as he continued to sprint away they receded into silence.


	19. Getting closer

He lost track of Thomas somewhere within the woods, but continued to wander along nevertheless. He eventually found himself at the clearing with the river bank hidden behind masses of trees. His feet slipped along the sloping ground until he came to stand before the water, and looked around. He was hit by a wave of nostalgia. Twice now he had found himself standing by this river in the short space of a week, it had so many memories surrounding it, it had always been their special place. He remembered Thomas taking him here for the first time, their first kiss, the sight of the river alone brought countless events back to his mind. It all seemed so distant, like it was a life time ago.

He brought his hand up to look at the pocket watch he still held. He felt the gentle rhythmic turning of the cogs and hands vibrate ever so softly against the skin on his palm.

He really didn't want to think about all the time he had left in his life without Thomas. He knew that he meant well, he knew he wanted to give him something which was special to him…but it just made things feel worse.

_I can't wait a life time to see Thomas again!_

Jimmy looked up, and saw the man in speaking sitting on the floor at the other side of the lake, sitting on the ground with his legs raised to his chest, staring lazily at his feet.

_Why must he just sit there and never say anything?_

The footman took a few steps forward, bending down in the process to pick up a small handful of rocks off the floor with his empty hand. Jimmy catapulted his hand towards the other man in hope to get his attention.

It worked.

Thomas looked up, surprised and startled as the stones passed through his body, landing behind him.

_"Thomas!"_ Jimmy called hysterically waving his hands above his head, his forehead burning at the feeling of tears building up. As he lifted a hand to rest above his brow, it seemed every emotion he had felt thus far was coming to his body all at once and colliding in his brain. He was so fed up, and sad, and angry, and annoyed, and lonely, and guilty, he thought he might just burst from the tension of it all trying to break out of his head.

Thomas continued to sit and stare at him in a state of shock, before struggling to his feet clumsily.

_"Jimmy? Can you hear me?"_ came the reply.

"Of course I can hear you, you fool!"

Thomas' eyebrows knitted together as he attempted to comprehend the statement just made.

_"But, I thought you couldn't hear me! I wasn't even sure if you could see me, let alone hear me. Why didn't you say something?"_

Jimmy folded his arms grumpily and scowled across the lake.

"Why didn't _you_ say something?" The footman demanded. This whole situation felt unreal and he didn't think he could bear it much longer. What if he was only an illusion of his imagination? _No, I'm certain he's there_. He was beyond glad to see Thomas, even if he was only a ghost, but he couldn't help feeling frustrated that they were separated by life and death. Why did it have to be like this?

_"I did try to call you! You didn't respond, so I thought you couldn't hear me! I watched you as well-"_

"-yes. I know that!"

_"Then why didn't you let me know Jimmy?"_

This was all too much to bear. He didn't want to bear it. He just wanted it to end; he wanted this entire situation to end. He wanted Thomas to be alive and with him, he wanted him to be _fully_ there, not just _partially._ But maybe this was their cruel fate? What other choice did he have than to put up with it?

_Unless I can go be with him?_

Seeing Thomas, _speaking to Thomas_, made him even more sure that he didn't want to spend the rest of his lifetime living alone. He wanted to be with Thomas. He wanted them to be together again.

"I don't want the hours of life I have left. I don't want the time you say is mine!" Jimmy yelled hurling the pocket watch into the water.

_"Jimmy!"_

His mind went foggy with ideas and possibilities and that strange out-of-body feeling grew more intense. Maybe he was going mad? It certainly felt like he was, although he didn't really care. He let himself relinquish all sanity and clear thinking, and he let his last ounce of self control slip away, as he wobbled hazily towards the lake.

"I'm going to join you" he said, but now his own voice sounded distant, as if it were not his own, as he took his first steps into the lake. The water was freezing, despite it being summer, as it pooled around his ankles.

He heard Thomas scream, the other man's voice becoming clear, getting closer, closer, closer…it already felt like an eternity since he last heard someone normally.

_"Jimmy! No don't!"_ the under-butler pleaded. Not only was his voice getting closer, but Jimmy himself felt like he was getting closer to Thomas as well.

Closer, closer, closer, as he descended deeper into the lake. Thomas was crying now. His foot slipped as the surface underneath the water dipped, sending him sinking. Fully submerged, he felt the murky water go into his mouth and fill up his lungs. He chocked as he struggled to breathe, more out of natural instinct, rather than actually wanting to. _This was what he wanted. _He opened his eyes, but all he could see was the blackness of the water. Thomas voice was muffled as he spoke, his voice slowly going from begging to woeful acceptance that there was now no turning back.

_"Jimmy! Please!"_

_"Jimmy, don't do this."_

_"Jimmy, this isn't what I wanted for you"_

_"Jimmy, don't go"_

_"no!"_

Thomas' voice got grew quieter and quieter until it wasn't there at all. Jimmy felt his body float up towards the surface of the water, and his soul drift away, _somewhere else_, he wasn't sure where; it was like two halves of him were being pulled apart, until he was only one of them, looking down at the person who he was once apart of, his dead body now laying face down in the lake.

He saw what he once was, and waited to see what he would become.


	20. Together in the light

Jimmy awoke to a blindingly white surrounding which burnt his eyes just to look at. As his eyes adjusted, he found there wasn't actually much there to look at. There was nothing at all. It was just a blank canvas of a world, where the sky and the ground met no end and saw no beginning. He lay upon what he supposed must have been the floor, but there was no actual qualities to make it a floor as such; there was no texture or shadow, yet he was still certain that this was in fact the ground. It was all rather mindboggling. It was like he had been thrown onto a blank page of nothingness. He staggered to his feet slowly, cautiously, noticing with relief that he still felt normal and solid, and not see through and ghost like.

It turned out there wasn't quite nothing, Jimmy observed looking into the distance, a long, tall, house. Around it there was a patch of grass and even a sky, like someone had only bothered to design one bit of the world. It looked like it was far away, but as Jimmy ran towards it, it was there almost instantly, like the world was already moving in the opposite direction he was running in, bringing him there faster. Although, the ground didn't feel like it was moving, not at all.

It was quite a peculiar sight. The grass was green, but abnormally so, and the sky was like dark like the night, marbled with an array of different colours and swirls-like a galaxy-yet, light wise, it didn't seem like night, the many clusters of stars seemed to give off plenty of light, almost functioning like a sun. Even the building before him was weird; it was leaning slightly to the side, and it appeared to be a terrace house, just taller and more monumental looking. It looked like there should have been houses on either side, but instead it stood alone like the rest of the street had been bombed out or disappeared.

The door at the front was already open a tad, so Jimmy entered the strange building sceptically. Standing in the corridor, Jimmy realised that he hadn't yet put much thought into the fact that he was dead. _So this is what comes after life? _As he walked further in, he heard the sounds of distraught weeping. Rounding the corner, he came to stand in the doorway to a bizarre looking kitchen, with a table in the centre. Thomas sat at one of the chairs, head against the wood. He looked up when he saw Jimmy enter the room, jumping up towards him with open arms, nearly knocking his chair over. He crushed the younger man into a desperate hug, tears still streaming down his face.

"I thought I'd never see you again!" Thomas said, relieved.

He let Jimmy go and pointed to the chair opposite his, trying to calm his features.

"Tea?" Thomas asked, pulling the kettle suspended in the air into his hands and down onto the table. Jimmy looked around in confusion. All the things which would have normally gone on a shelf or counter surface were floating in the air. Thomas placed it back down on its rightful place on the counter, and pulled two tea cups out from above his head, taking them into his hands.

"What the-"

"There was nothing in this world when I got here. Built all this just by thinking about it, clever i'nt it?"

Jimmy stared in confusion.

"Then why on earth would you chose to put them in the air, you silly sod?"

"I am not a silly sod!" Thomas said I defence, the kettle starting to boil, despite the fact that he had put no water in it. It wasn't even over the fire, it just heated by itself! _Weird._

"I just figured everything would be easier to find if it was all just…here" Thomas explained, looking up and placing a tea cup in front of Jimmy on the round table. Jimmy's mouth fell open as a tea bag appeared out of nowhere into the cup. Thomas poured the water and proceeded to sit down with him, oblivious to his surprise.

_Trust Thomas to only take a week to get used to this. It already seems bloody normal to him!_

"I have so much to tell you!" Thomas said, stirring the liquid with a spoon. He offered it across the table to Jimmy who took it willingly, although slightly freaked out by the situation.

_It's so good to be back with Thomas though._

"Are you're sitting comfortably? Then I shall begin-"

"-don't try to be funny with me! Not at a time like this!"

Thomas raised a hand to his chest in mock disgust.

"Well I am sorry! Now where should I start?-"

"The beginning would be a good place" Jimmy cut in sardonically.

"Oi! Cheeky! Right well, I trust you got my letter explaining…_things?_" Jimmy nodded, as Thomas looked into his cup awkwardly. The former-footman stroked his arm across the table in attempt to ease his worries. "When I came here, the entire place was just white, like you probably saw outside, and as I just said you can sort of create and do things by thinking about them, that's how I made the sky and your tea." Jimmy nodded again, eyebrows raised amusedly.

"It took a bloody long time to work it out and do, I'll tell you that! But now you're here you can help, gotta pull your weight if we're to be dead together. How are you about…erh being dead then?"

"Fine"

Thomas' brow creased in concern.

Jimmy knew that he should probably feel sad and nervous, but truth was, this was the best he'd felt in months.

"Well, if you're not going to ask, now that I'm dead I'm not unwell anymore. Also, you can still feel things I've found, but say if you get a cut-like I did last week-it just seems to sort of…heal over instantly"

Jimmy nodded again, taking it all in before asking:

"How were you visiting me?"

The older man raised a hand to point out a window behind Jimmy's head.

"See the whiteness?"

"How could I miss it" came Jimmy's sarcastic reply.

"well, there used to be a sort of tear which I found I could walk through and go see you. Maybe somebody knew that I still needed to see you, you must have been able to see me because-maybe it's because of the connection we share. Oh don't look at me like that" Thomas said when he saw Jimmy's amused expression. "But now it's gone. That's why I was so worried, I thought I would never be able to see you again, I had no idea we'd be so lucky to get to be here together-there's no one else here and it ain't much fun on me own" A playful grin spread across Thomas' face. "But now you're here-"

"-We can fuck?" Jimmy intersected.

Thomas laughed and gave the blond a light hearted slap on the arm.

"Well I wouldn't have put it in those words exactly…but yes, I suppose we can" Thomas pondered.

"You _know_ we can…" Jimmy looked at Thomas' clothes, the same fancy dinner jacket he had seen him in the other day, then down at his own, which he was amazed to realise he hadn't noticed were soaking wet. "What's going to with your new garb then, eh?"

"You didn't honestly expect me to spend the rest of eternity naked, did you?"

Jimmy smirked mischievously.

"I wouldn't mind."

The younger man's eyes grew wide as he felt his clothes disappear and shot Thomas a look across the table that said _'what have you done?'_

Thomas just grinned naughtily in response, before putting Jimmy in a clean, dry, suit.

Jimmy huffed, and then looked down at his new clothes. He had to admit, Thomas did have good taste.

For what felt like an eon of time, neither of them said anything, just sat gazing into each others eyes dreamily. Thomas was the first to speak up.

"I'm sorry things happened like they did, I didn't want to keep the cancer a secret, I just couldn't bear to see you upset, seems that didn't quite go to plan as I had to see you hurt anyway…But y'know what, I don't regret what happened, and maybe you…dying was for the best in a way. Maybe that was your salvation from a life of misery" Thomas looked up and smiled. "Now we have a world all to ourselves, it won't be lonely as long as I got you."

They clasped hands across the table, a thousand more sorry's and thank you's going unspoken, merely being communicated through the power of their touch.

"Thomas, can I tell you something?"

"Anything."

"I love you a lot more than is probably healthy, and I don't regret dying to be with you for one second."

Thomas ran a hand down the side of Jimmy's cheek.

"C'mon finish up your tea; we got an entire world to build and an eternity of time to fill up."

* * *

Now that they ere here, there would be no more secrets and lies, nor would they let their previous wrong actions hold them back and hinder their romance like it had before; that was in the past, another life quite literally. And as they sat together on their blank canvas of a world, on a floor that didn't yet exist, they both felt empowered in the knowledge that they could finally be themselves, free from the society which held them back. Who knew what they could accomplish in a world where anything was possible? All Jimmy knew for certain was that he was looking forward to finding out.

It didn't feel like he was dead, in fact, he felt more alive than he had ever been, for Jimmy was no longer alone in the dark, now he was with Thomas, reunited; and that was all he needed. It felt like he had waited a life time to get here, but here they were, finally out of the darkness of sorrow and secrecy, and into the whiteness of a world which hadn't yet been made, at long last together in the light, now, forever, and for the rest of eternity.

**The end**

(the chapter after this is just a poem and authors note)


	21. Weird ass poem

It was not my choice to take this route,

That you must understand,

All I ever wanted,

Was to stay and hold your hand,

But now I find myself in new land,

One which is rather bland,

Without you here to plan,

My world is empty,

Quite literally so,

And I can't help but cry out,

"Oh woe, where is my beau?"

At night I dream of skin so tanned,

Hair of sand,

Of my beautiful man,

Who's surrounding my thoughts,

And controlling my day,

I see every word you say,

Every tear you cry,

Forgive me that I did not say g'bye.

Not many men like you passed by,

Dressed in white tie,

Offering me kisses,

In reply,

When I say "You're a real good guy,

But maybe I should jus' fly on by"

But now I have,

And I'm livin' on the sly,

Watching your life,

Slip and slid,

Crumble away.

Oh why did I think you'd be okay?

Soon you'll join me,

You'll stray away,

No matter how much I pray.

Through foul play,

You'll cause your body to decay.

One day,

It'll happen,

Mark my word,

For the raven bird heard,

That your death will be quite absurd.

There'll be no more carrying tea trays,

With soufflés,

No more arranging buffets,

And saying "good day",

As Lords and Lady's make way,

Give you lousy pay,

Day by day,

Your mind

It'll break away,

Disobey,

Start to fray,

And before you know,

You've mentally rot,

Close to the grave,

To far gone for me to save.

When you sink,

Into your ocean of despair,

When your to sick to care,

They won't even stop and stare,

Oh no,

Not today.

They'll never know where you went,

They'll think you were grumpy,

And hell bent.

They'll think you ran away,

Think you couldn't stay,

But in reality you went,

And died,

And oh lord how I cried.

But now you're in my arms,

Safe from harm,

And I no longer mourn your death,

And with a certain alarm,

I can see now,

This was your salvation.

* * *

**Just want to say thank you to everyone who's read this highly unconventional, love story! Also thank you to everyone who favourited, followed and reviewed, I hope I wasn't the causer of too much anger and pain! **

**Yeah so, thank you **

**mentalillusions xoxoxoxox**


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